"like a woman in childbirth"

i caught myself doing it again today. thinking about the run. the run to wherever it's different. as i washed my hands for the 183rd time today, i thought, "so what are the repercussions for forgetting about God?" i scrubbed my hands a little harder. is it even possible to forget? and then I rinse my hands. because tonight, i am pretty sure i've forgotten. rather, i really want to forget. i'm not sure what has happened to me, but He seems so distant and different. i've chosen Him...but i still don't believe Him.

music. it used to be the floodgate to entering His presence. but it's not. not anymore. no Spirit within me, it feels like. and as i watched those leaders up on stage sing as if they truly believed the words coming out of their mouths, i wondered, "what does it take to get from choose to believe?"

i love these verses. my favorite parts and words that i feel best describe me are bolded and italicized.

So why the doomsday hysterics? You still have a king, don't you? But maybe he's not doing his job and you're panicked like a woman in labor. Well, go ahead-twist and scream, Daughter Jerusalem. You are like a woman in childbirth. You'll soon be out of the city, on your way and camping in the open country. And then you'll arrive in Babylon. What you lost in Jerusalem will be found in Babylon. God will give you new life again. He'll redeem you from your enemies. But for right now, they're ganged up against you, many godless peoples, saying, "Kick her when she's down! Violate her! We want to see Zion grovel in the dirt." These blasphemers have no idea what God is thinking and doing in this. They don't know that this is the making of God's people, that they are wheat being threshed, gold being refined. On your feet, Daughter of Zion! Be threshed of chaff, be refined of dross. I'm remaking you into a people invincible, into God's juggernaut to crush the godless peoples. You'll bring their plunder as holy offerings to God, their wealth to the Master of the earth. (Micah 4:9-13 MSG)

let me run. this labor's too long.