I am delighted

I am so in awe of what God is doing inside my heart. I am learning so much. Learning about how He sees me as His child. Learning about how I see Him as my Father. Listening to Him and walking in obedience. Taking risks and surrendering myself without knowing outcomes. He is right there holding my hand and being firm when necessary. My heart is just so overwhelmed with all of it, in such a good way! All I want to do is talk about His goodness. All so He receives glory, and so it can encourage others to be bold.

I've realized lately how much it bothers my soul to see people living beneath their potential in Christ. Saved or unsaved, we're all victims of mediocrity. Floating from day to day just living in the moment. Paycheck to paycheck, making the bills and eating the food, staying healthy, and filling days off with entertainment. Attending classes when necessary, studying at the nearest starbucks or library... making sure there's enough time to grab coffee before morning class. Though there is not sin in this, it kills me to know that there's so much more to life than this but many just don't know about it. So many believers live beneath their potential in Christ. I know, because I realize how far beneath it I, myself, have been living.

I am SO thankful that the Lord loves me enough to make sure that I am aware of this. To instill this drive to draw nearer to Him, and love Him deeper, and allow Him to love me deeper. He helps me in every moment of my night and day. At work, He strengthens me, gives me a quick mind, and enables me to take the best care of my patients and learn from the best teachers. He brings me opportunities to encourage my patients with God's peace. At church, He brightens my attitude, and opens doors for new connections, and gives me courage to walk through them. I have watched things unfold the past couple of years that make my OWN chin drop. It's absolutely unbelievable and no explanation can be given other than the LORD has for some reason granted me favor. And He loves me. And I know that if He is willing to grant ME favor, He certainly will grant YOU favor, and surround you with love and encourage your heart to make it through the next hour.

That's what I love. Sometimes I literally have to take it hour by hour. In fact, I almost always take it hour by hour, because in this season, God is consistently revealing something to me, or giving me a check in my spirit, or strengthening me. Not to mention, there is ALWAYS something I can find to thank Him for.

Live up to your potential. Just be willing and open to allow the Lord to condition you into His likeness. And, give credit where credit is due. Thank and praise the Lord, and make sure others are doing it too. He is jealous, and I have a healthy fear of my God with the utmost respect.

My Life as of Lately

Oh my word!! My life has been SO crazy lately! I have SO many things that I've wanted to blog about. My personal computer has been out of commission. Technology is SO unreliable. :-) Hopefully soon I can buy me a new one. I'm too concerned about saving up for a car right now, though, to worry about a computer.

Here's what's happened lately:

I started my new job officially! Made it through general hospital orientation, the basic RN orientation, computer classes, and now I'm in my 3rd week of actually being a nurse. I never knew it would be quite as hard as this. When I say hard, I just mean mentally exhausting. I triple, and quadruple check myself so many times over so many things in one day. By the end of the day, I'm STILL questioning my decisions. It's hard to have a life (or 4) cradled in your hands for 12 hours and not be nervous. Then when I think about taking them on myself, with no 'go-fer'... It's scary, and nervewracking. I have a new respect for healthcare workers. They do and put up with a LOT, and risk their own lives taking care of others. It's TOTALLY true.

Anyway, I have been working 3 days in a row of 12 hour shifts for a total of 36 hours/week. It's a great schedule, and from the looks of it, overtime is going to be super easy to acquire. They need so much help... I work days right now orienting with one of my former instructors. She is a GREAT trainer on the job. I was nervous at first about working with one of my teachers from RN school, but she is SO WONDERFUL!!! After next week (after the 8th of July), I will begin to do a couple of weeks of orienting on night shift. This is the shift I was hired for. Other good news is that even though I have to work every other weekend, the weekends are considered friday night and saturday night, NOT saturday and sunday! This means I might be really tired, but I won't miss church very often after all! God is SO good! He knows how important fellowship is! :-)

Next, God has been totally working on my heart. It's amazing. The things He is showing me, teaching me, how He is guiding me. Also, He's showing me SO many things about myself. It's amazing how you can't really understand how great His salvation is or how great His love is for you until you realize how dirty and disgusting you truly are without Christ to cover you. One thing He is having me go through is exactly that. Not a pleasant experience, but He is helping me see just how brilliant His plans are. And, I'm thankful.

The next thing I want to blog about is about my Dad and what God is doing in my heart. My eyes are closing involuntarily, and I still REALLY want to spend some time with my Bible and in God's presence. It's a desperate need.

Love,
Kayla

In Search of the Spirit's Truth

Disclaimer: If you don't believe, this is going to be a weird read. To be honest, I still find it pretty weird.

I'm sure there are times in your life where you just feel stuck in time. Everyone and everything around you continues to function in what society deems normal. But, somehow, you are caught in a standstill. I can't figure out if things are moving really fast or super slow, but I know I'm not viewing time the same way most people are right now.

Let me take you on a little journey of what has been floating through my mind lately. The first thing I will discuss is the understanding of my desperate need for the Holy Spirit to be active in my life. Whoa! Did I just say that? It's been a really long couple of months when I think about trying to understand exactly what the Holy Spirit even IS, it's function, it's role in my life.... (whether or not I should even call it an it? Though some more specific things are still left unanswered, I know I need it.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't loving God. I can remember times as a child where everything was falling down around my family's life, but God was there in my heart and held my hand through everything. Sure, I went through some anger and hurt and felt God was to blame, but in my heart of hearts I knew He was my only source of refuge, and I ran into it. Some people have a story. One where they can sincerely point to a specific date of a complete heart change and the weight of sin lifted from their shoulders, and it drew them closer to the Lord. But, I, on the other hand, cannot remember such a time.

Lately, I have compared my longing for the Spirit's filling to that of an unsaved person's longing for freedom in Christ. Somehow it just draws you in. I began seeking and searching the Word of God and books about the Holy Spirit in search of the truth. Inwardly, I confess that I first began to seek out of reason to disprove the most popular A/G opinion and doctrine about the Spirit. But, with an open mind and no one forcing me one way, I came to pretty much the same conclusion about it as A/G has. I will not reject truth.

I have not, (like A/G likes to put it), been filled with the Holy Spirit. But, I know that I know that I know that it is drawing me. Beckoning me. Asking for full rein... But something deep inside of me stops it.

This is all for now! It's time for church!!

Twenty.One.and.One/Third.

I'm employed now. :) I'm sure it will feel a little more real when I actually receive compensation. Whew, starting a new job is really... weird. Really just updating because it's been a while since I have. I think the strangest part about this transitioning period in life, is that I truly have no idea what it is that I am transitioning into. People keep saying that I can do whatever it is that I want to do. That's great, but what on earth do I want to do. What does GOD want me to do? I truly don't want to get caught in that "Only-this-many-more-weeks-til-the-next-thing" mentality. It makes life go by too quickly.

I know my God is faithful, and I know more than anything that He has a plan for my life. He knows exactly where I am and He sees my entire future. I just need to trust in Him. To believe that He will make a way. And stand firm that I am where I am supposed to be because God has brought me here. Trust my family, mentors, and friends. And OBEY God no matter the cost.

Jeremiah 29:13 (The Message) "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." -God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you."

Good stuff....

It is Time

Today. It's officially May 20, 2010. The very day I have counted down to for the past two years. Man, God is good! Scratch that. God is AWESOME! I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I just finished these first few sentences. I am in utter awe of the way God has gone before me in Nursing school. I reflect on the my very first, awkward, uncomfortable, first semester in college at SBU. I was sitting in my Anatomy & Physiology I class as a little freshman, and I felt the Lord speaking to my heart, so I grabbed a pen and a sticky note, and I wrote this:

"Kayla- You can do this nursing thing if you study hard and focus on me. I am your guide. I will help you. I will never forsake you. -God"

I came across the sticky note not too long ago, and I cried over it. How God has been my guide. How He has helped me. How He has never forsaken me. Not one time. My heart is SO overwhelmed with gratitude, thanksgiving, honor, and respect for my King...

What I am most excited about is not the fact that I am an Registered Nurse, but that I have fulfilled another step in my walk with the Lord. I obeyed Him. I obeyed His leading into St. John's Nursing School. I trusted Him. I believed in Him. I worked for Him. All the glory for every passed test and completed clinical day totally went/goes to Him. I knew He was the one doing all of the work. It was easy for me to pass the honor to Him. And, it still is. I am excited because I know that the next thing that is coming my way is even MORE exciting.

Not because I deserve it. Not because I work hard. Not because He owes me anything, but because He loves me. And because I obey Him.

Some of you know... I never wanted to be a nurse. I took a nurse aid class my last year in High School, and that was it for me. That was the deal-breaker for me. I hated it. The idea of me spending my life in a hospital was appalling. I wanted to be a Worship Leader. God gifted me with voice, and all I wanted to do was glorify Him the rest of my life and speak to others about using their voice in worship. It was my ONLY passion.

When God started closing the doors on the only college that offered a degree in Worship Leading, I became bitter. Very bitter toward Him. When only College of Nursing doors were opening, I became even more bitter. Yet, I obeyed Him. I didn't understand why, how, or what my future was going to look like with a nursing degree, but I trusted the Lord. I knew He knows best. So, I followed His leading.

After stepping out in faith, and completing my first semester, the Lord showed me more than I could ever imagine about my future. He definitely hadn't cut ministry off from me, but opened the doors wider for bigger, greater, more effective ministry. Missions. Beautiful. Terrified. Intrigued. But I will go, Father. I will go. I will do anything you want me to. I'm all for You and Your glory.

So here I am. Not knowing entirely what the future looks like, but knowing that God has blessed me with a job. Not just any job, but a full time position that is going to allow me to pay off my loans quicker, get the best experience, work under the best director, and train me for what is yet to come.

And I know. I KNOW that the BEST IS YET TO COME!

Let me GO

My heart is so easily overwhelmed when I watch stories about people in other countries. The Nations just hold a special place in my heart. This doesn't mean that I am not moved by the stories of my own people. I struggle when I see humanity suffering on any front.

My friend just got back from Haiti. He went doing an assessment of the area he will be taking a team for some relief work in the future. When I learned he was going, my heart kind of dropped into my stomach. I just want to go. Though I know I will in due time, it is hard to wait patiently. Especially when I know there are things I could be doing. When I know there is so much to do, and I am forced to continue in my day to day life here until I gain the experience I need to be fully effective and beneficial to those there. There's so much about it that just feels so wrong.

There have been times since returning from El Salvador about a year ago, that I realize that the way I live is so far from the true reality of how the majority of the whole world lives. I guess I always keep this in the back of my mind, but there are moments where I become so overwhelmed by the difference in my home in Missouri and the home of my friends in other countries. I also wonder why God has allowed me to be in the blessed part of the world. I praise and thank the Lord for this blessing, but I'm ready to be a part of reality.

I have no idea what my future looks like, though I know that God has destined me to live among reality.

Tonight, I just want to talk to someone who gets me. Who can understand this desire to be somewhere that most people would never enter. To live in a place that people try to leave. Someone who is created the way I have been created... I may come across as weird, crazy, even dumb to some, and I can see how logically I sound unstable. But this is the truth....

:-/,
Kayla

Forgiven and Loved

Today is the day I finished my last nursing school exam to officially deem me an RN. Is that even believable? God has been SO good. I remember sitting in Anatomy and Physiology II and it was one of those moments when the Spirit overwhelms your heart and you quickly grab a piece of paper to write down what gets laid on your heart. I wrote, "Kayla, if you will trust my leading, I will take you through nursing school. Do not fear; I will be with you every day." -God

I kept the sticky note that I wrote that on, and posted it into my planner. I looked at it frequently throughout the ride in nursing school, and was refreshed and reminded every time that this is God's call. It's His deal. Reminded that the hard stuff wasn't on me, that He had it covered. Honestly, I'm just so blessed. I don't know why He chose me, but I'm so glad He has.

I've been wanting to blog about something specific for over a week now, but I haven't had the time, nor the energy to put into it as I have wanted.

Sometimes, as humans, we really screw up. And, by that, I mean, I really screw up. There are people in my life that I harbor such bitterness and anger toward because of the past, that I have difficulty even looking them in the eye. There are actions that I've made that have honestly affected the safety of those around me. Decisions that have had significant effect on my heart. And, sins that have separated me from drawing closer with the Lord. Now, that I've established that you sin and I sin, let me continue.

A couple weeks ago, I made a decision. A bad decision, but a fun one. The aftermath of that decision left me more convicted, in more agony, and the most anxiety-ridden I have ever been in my life. My entire life could have been altered because of the consequence of my decision. I had done a bad thing, and it was a sin. And I ran. I ran away from the convictions of the Holy Spirit. I ignored the leading of the Lord. I refused to run back into His presence.

You know what I did next? I didn't pray, but I spent significant time in the Bible. I read "Forgotten God" in which I am learning about the Holy Spirit. But I couldn't bring myself to pray to God. Praying is too intimate. I can't hide my true heart very well in prayer. Reading, sure... I don't have to own up to what I did. Praying--all about confrontation. I spoke well to other people. I encouraged and uplifted others in the name of the Lord. But I didn't let the Spirit penetrate any part of my heart. But, man oh man, was I broken. Broken because I knew I had grieved my Father. I was still just too frightened about simply praying.

Then I read a section in Forgotten God by Francis Chan. He discussed how he would mess up, and spend time trying to get 'back on God's good side.' Trying to prove that he could in fact, be a good christian. He was doing it all on his own. How he was describing it was exactly what was going through my head for the entire week I had been carrying this intense load on my heart. It was then that I realized God was saying to me, "I already know you can't do this alone. That's why I'm here to help you. This is the whole reason I sent my Holy Spirit to you. Now, please, just talk to Me. Tell Me what is going on. I will hear you. I will not abandon you. I SO love you." It helped me see that when I mess up, God already saw it happen. He watched me act in the flesh before it ever happened. He doesn't hate me, think less of me, or take back His promises. He says, "Kayla, I'm sorry that happened, and I'm broken that you chose to act like that, but I still love you. Let's work through this." Knowing that this is how he responds makes me realize and experience His grace in a whole other dimension.

Please let this encourage you, too. If you've done something, maybe something that you're shameful of, regret, or wish you won't do again, just understand that God knows about it, and He knew about it, but He still really does love you. For me, my friend kept telling me, "God still loves you.." But I couldn't feel it, therefore I didn't deeply believe it. She told me that some things, you just have to believe first. And, to stop basing my beliefs on my feelings.

Anyway, I feel like this still didn't come out the way I wanted it to, but maybe it will help someone. The power of testimony.. :)

Love,
Kayla

He's Carrying Me

2 Corinthians 12:9, But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

No kidding. Everytime I read this verse, I tear up a little bit. In this season of life, with RN school coming to a close and the other crazy stuff going on in life, I wake up truly not wanting to get out of bed. In fact, today, I chose to miss a meeting and sleep until 11:30am. I know... it's just how t-i-r-e-d I am. Everyone is...

But beyond that, this verse... ahhhh, it's just SO good. I blogged last night about me realizing that truly, the weaker you are, the stronger God is in your life. There comes points in people's lives where you just know that God is your strength. Paul goes on and says that he boasts about his weaknesses. He says, "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Strangely enough, it's exactly what I feel like doing... in prayer to the Lord, of course. No one wants to be around a mopey person. And, I don't feel like moping to the Lord. I just want to tell Him that I can feel how strong He is in my heart right now. That I know my every waking moment is being controlled and propelled by His love. That's a really weird feeling. I've not felt it before. But as I experience it, I realize that being out of control is not that bad. Letting God just do His thing.

I'm weak, and like I ended my last post... I feel Him carrying me. It's amazing.

Thank You!

When I say that I have been blessed beyond imagination, that is exactly what I mean. God has placed a few specific couples in my life that have just been amazing.

The last three years of my life have been the most fun, most scary, most growing, most exciting, most anxiety-filled experiences. I have lived in a dorm setting, and with three roommates in one year, (moving dorms three times, mind you.) I then moved into my first apartment with another roommate (amazing, might I tell you.) Lived with 11 other people in an intern house over Summer '09, and then moved to another town to live with a family of 6. All in less than 3 years!

I mentioned all the places I had moved over the past couple of years. It was hard. Really really hard. Sometimes I do ask myself if I made the right decisions. Though, I also can't deny all that I've learned. Especially from the family of 6 I still currently reside with.

I want to share a little bit about what I've learned from each impacting family. My heart is so heavy, and so full of love toward all of them.

What I've learned:

Thatcher's: You love me with my own love language. Words of affirmation and physical touch. (Your hugs are the one's my FB status referred to not long ago.) You guys hold such a SPECIAL place in my life. Lesson: Love others with their love language. It will change their world. Another lesson from you is how important picking the right spouse is. (We've talked about this...) You have a marriage to model. So when my hopeless romantic finally shows up, you will be the ones we get counsel from!!! If my family can be half of what yours is, I'll be satisfied for life. Your kids...WHOA! Awesome! One more lesson: Be real and genuine, because people can see right through fake. You are SO real and genuine. I want to be that trustworthy to people in my life. I also can't wait to visit you in some foreign country someday.

Nicholson's: A few of the many lessons I'll take with me from them is the importance of scheduling, ability to say 'no', and staying accountable to yourself. A love for children's rights have also been birthed in my heart through their passions for the orphaned and displaced. You guys rock. I like live with you, and try to remind you how thankful I am for this gift. I hope I'm believable!! I think living with you guys has taught me more about myself and how to handle my emotions related to situations that occur... it's weird to explain, but good stuff!

Moore's: We met over a shared love for the Nations. You guys have this special gift of connecting people with exactly where they need to go. You know those people that you sometimes meet and you're like, "Whoa! If I could be their friend..." That is how I felt when I met you. The atmosphere you present is young, fresh, and vibrant. And your knowledge and love for the Lord teaches me. The way you have built your family is yet again, another model to be followed. I love watching you with your children as they grow into amazing followers of the Lord.

There are more that have made impacts, but these main three have remained constant throughout the past year of my life and without them, I'm pretty sure I'd have not made it. I'm seriously NOT kidding, either. All three of you share the gift of hospitality, and it's just amazing. It's what I crave.

These recent times haven't been my strongest, but who doesn't go on roller-coasters? The verse that is becoming more alive to me right now is this:

2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

I may be finally understanding that weak is best. That ignorance about the future is bliss. That control is restrictive. That weakness is strength. Because, with the way Nursing School has eaten at every bone in my body, I've never been more weak. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually, I'm exhausted. But, God is SO strong.

I think I actually feel Him carrying me, and sometimes He's using you.

God is Moving

When you pray, God moves.

I've been praying this whole week for a job. But through those prayers and Bible time in God's presence, He has been moving in my WHOLE life. Probably some of you are thinking, well duh!, but I wasn't expecting any of it.

I updated my twitter today telling people that I was thinking about the deep stuff. Like those times where you try really hard to wrap your head around God's love... or maybe you think about the giant issue of poverty. Maybe some of you can't get it through your head just how next week will look like. Today, I thought about such things.

I thought about Haiti. And the quote that I am still trying to understand, "You are not being prepared for Haiti as much as Haiti is being prepared for you." What does that even mean? Though when I reflect on my time spent in El Salvador, I remember feeling the entire time, "I am supposed to be pouring into YOU. But, you are touching and changing ME." Maybe that is what the Spirit is trying to tell me. That Haiti is going to give me way more than I will ever be able to give it. Either way, God is working up something.

I also thought about the long wait I have before making it to Haiti. It's hard to explain to someone that even though I've never been to Haiti, I feel like it's my home; where I belong. That her people are my people. That they are my family. I catch myself purposefully placing Haiti out of my mind. Because it physically hurts my heart when I think about not being there.

Then there are times like yesterday when I was driving by the park, seeing dad's playing frisbee with their kids, and ladies walking and chatting with their girlfriends, and family's eating a BBQ that I want that life. There are the days when I think about that 2 story house with a garage and fenced in back yard with a swing-set for my kids... and I crave that. Knowing full well that God designed me to live a different life. Knowing that my only satisfaction will come from being all that God created me to be and live the life He has planned for me in Haiti. This I know and cannot debate. Though the thoughts do still creep up.

Tonight I had the privilege of FINALLY meeting James and Rachael Courter. The connection with them was so random, but so GOD! We 'met' via facebook over a year ago, and tonight at James River Assembly in Springfield, MO, I saw their faces and heard their voices! I think it was God's little way of saying, "Hey Kayla, I haven't forgotten about what I called you to." It sounds funny to type it up like that, but sometimes I feel like I will NEVER get to Haiti. From the moment I read the Courter family mission and vision for the country, I KNEW God had a divine plan in store for my life to connect with theirs. I could say so much more, but just want to pray.

God, I am absolutely BLOWN away by some of the things You do. Actually, just about everything You do leaves me standing in awe. I am so thankful, Lord, for Your grace and mercy over my life. As Pastor John commented, "I know me, and for You to choose me to do Your work-that is amazing!" I totally concur with this statement. When I think about the plan You have showed me for my life, and that I only know such a short part of it, I am almost in disbelief. You love me, Lord. You love Haiti. And, You have given me a piece of Your love for Haiti so that I can do the work You want to accomplish there. Thank You for going before me, and thank You for bringing up the rear guard as the Psalmist says.

God, please strengthen the Courter family tonight. Bless them as they sleep. Give them beautiful dreams, and speak to them. For the future and present I ask that you protect them from any evil force that may want to harm them. I pray a hedge of protection by the blood of Christ around their family and those they love. I pray that you would comfort their hearts and remove any fears if they have any. I pray that you continue to give them vision, and that their vision would be expanded. Broaden their territory. Strengthen their bodies. Be with Rachael through the delivery process of their son, Nehemiah. God, thank You for the connection with them. I know that You have something very special in store for the future. Bless Haiti, God. We believe that You are calling this nation to arise. Arise Haiti!! Strengthen the people on Gelee beach and send Your angels to aid in the fight for their souls. I believe You, Lord.

In Your Name I pray,
Amen

thinking...

...with no luck.

I want to write a blog, but words just aren't coming.

Could be this Zyrtec that is making me slightly loopy.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

:-)

Forgotten God

"I think the fear of God failing us leads us to "cover for God." This means we ask for less, expect less, and are satisfied with less because we are afraid to ask for or expect more. We even convince ourselves that we don't want more--that we have all the "God" we need or could want. I can't imagine how much it pains God to see His children hold back from relationship with the Holy Spirit out of fear that He won't come through. How much it grieves Him to watch His children ignore the promises He's made throughout Scripture due to fear that those promises won't be kept! Empowering His children with the strength of the Holy Spirit is something the Father wants to do. It's not something that we have to talk Him into. He genuinely wants to see us walk in His strength." -Francis Chan, "Forgotten God"

Have you ever felt a responsibility to "cover for God"? I have. Many times. It has most definitely lead me to expecting less from God. All those promises made to us in the Word of God regarding provision, strength, peace, and a future.

Even promises God has made me personally. I have found myself questioning the very truths that have brought me where I am. Just covering for God in case I heard Him wrong the first 103 times.

TRUTH:
*Driven by the Lord to make a difference physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the country of Haiti.
*Moved to dedicate my life and knowledge to improving the body through medicine and nursing.
*Impacted by the world outside my own causing a shift of my whole heart.

FICTION:
*God has already done so much. I'd be selfish if I asked for more information.
*I just have to wait.
*You are limited by your lack of knowledge.

My God, please do not allow the devil to continue to plant these thoughts into my mind. I refuse to be filled by anything that is not of You. Convict me of that which is not. God, I want the gift of the Holy Spirit to be upon me. I want to actively live out the life of a person who is consumed by Your Spirit. To edify who You are in the church and in the lives of those around me. I never want to be complacent with our relationship. God, draw me closer. Help me take steps closer to You. God, remember me as a woman chasing Your very heart. I know that You will come through, God. I know. Grant me strength as I pursue Your plans for Haiti and the rest of my life...

Nine Months Already?

Nine months ago, I did a crazy thing. I joined 12 other people and traveled with this organization called Convoy of Hope. I didn't know much at all about them. In fact, the first week was spent learning about it's history and how it works all over the world to impact the hurting, broken, lost, endangered, and disaster stricken. Through all it does to impact people around the world, some of the biggest impacts are made through their volunteer opportunities and intern program (http://convoyofhope.org/go/how/internship_program). You can read specifics about my journey with Convoy of Hope during the Summer of '09 in blog posts from March of 09-August of 09. They speak of when I first was introduced to the organization, to a month after returning from El Salvador, where I spent 3.5 weeks ministering primarily through actions and less through words. It's amazing how effective we can be when we learn to just be quiet.

Throughout the weeks with Convoy of Hope, I learned lessons that I will carry in my very core for the rest of my life. I'm spending a lot of time tonight reflecting. Reflecting about endurance. The art of enduring. I wonder if any of us can truly understand the depth of human suffering. I ponder what it would be like if any of us could just 'get it' for a moment. If for any period of time, we could feel. Our environment numbs us to the world outside. Though Haiti's tragic earthquake was a wake up call for some, the majority are still very much oblivious to the devastation surrounding us.

I learned about complaining. I learned how much I partook of it. The internship contract clearly states there is no room for petty complaining. Words to a future intern: Practice makes perfect. You have to START not complaining, and work at it until you perfect it. This is still something that creeps up on me every now and then. You may find complaints in my twitter (@kaylaaiken) updates, or on my facebook (facebook.com/kaiken). But know that everytime I do complain, a gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit reminds me of the words. It's a disgusting habit.

I learned about impact. What is your idea of this word? What do you think will make the greatest difference for someone who is hurting? What is mission impact? What is missions? Who is a missionary?

9 months ago, I became a part of a family. A family with ties so strong after living together day in and day out for 6 weeks in a poverty-stricken environment, that nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing will sever the bond. 9 months ago, I learned what it means to be a part of something bigger than myself. 9 months ago, my life began to take a 180 degree turn from my plans to God's plans. Though it has been 3/4 of a year since I saw some of my closest friends, it feels like yesterday that I cried with them, laughed with them, carried them through a dark hour... Though it's been 9 months that I met friends in El Salvador, it feels like yesterday that I taught them about rehydration drinks, gave them refried beans, planted a sustainful garden for their community, taught their children new games, prayed with children and their parents for the Lord to enter their heart and transform the course of their lives. My El Salvadorean friends taught me way more than I ever thought I could learn in that dimension, and my Convoy of Hope friends loved me in a way that caused me to love differently.

Convoy of Hope continues to make a difference in ways that are unbelievable. Please check out their website at www.ConvoyofHope.org . Consider playing a part through prayer, most importantly. Second, there are many ways to become a part of what Convoy does. I like to call volunteers/interns "convoy-of-hoper-for-life." Believe me, the Convoy of family loves you and wants to invest into you more than you can imagine.

Me? I'm rather partial to the intern program. :) Check out http://convoyofhope.org/go/how/internship_program

Kayla

-Bought at a Price-

1 Corinthians 6:19b-20, "You are not your own; you were bought at a price."

This verse I have heard many times. But tonight, after reading some in a book named "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, my thoughts have changed. His book isn't speaking on this subject, but the verse was a reference, and something about it struck me differently.

After receiving the offer of salvation through Christ's sacrifice, we are expected to live different lives. Why? Because, in a sense, we sold ourselves. We no longer live by our rules, our family's expectations, or our friend's opinions. We most certainly have the option to live the same as our western world, the freedom to choose whatever action and justify it in whatever way we can. BUT, if you have accepted the offer of salvation, then you are expected to live according to God's law. Because, you do NOT own yourself. You were BOUGHT at a price. The price being Christ's own death.

A lot of times, I cheat God. I expect Him to follow up on His promises... but what about the promise I made Him. I promised to follow His commands all my days. I promised to enter into relationship with Him. I promised to read my Bible and pray! I promised to love Him no matter what happened. I promised to spread His life-changing story to as many as I could.

Then complacency and/or fear sets in... Though I still expect Him to hold up His end of the deal, I slowly but surely put off a few of the promises I made. Prayer? What is prayer? God already knows my thoughts. Sure...I'll pray for you.......if I get the time. and, You want me to talk to her? about You? Ummm, she wears Dolce&Gabana, expensive makeup, and carries a Coach purse... I'm sure she already knows Your story. Besides, she'll think I'm a religious freak and then I'll NEVER get to sit with her at the lunch table. Come on, you know we've all had those thoughts. So worried about our appearances that we purposefully put God a little behind us, laugh at a few dirty jokes, down a couple of drinks, and hope our church friends don't watch it all happen. We do it all to simply fit in, in this tiny little world in our tiny little towns. The picture of eternity doesn't even cause us to think twice anymore because our hearts are so hardened.

What amazes me is that although we do this, God doesn't cut us off. He just waits and/or pursues us to get back to Him. Without the Cross, all the aforementioned would immediately cut you off from God. Without the Cross, we would never know what it feels like to be in the presence of God. Without the Cross, our lives would be completely different.

The Cross, people. It's Christ on the Cross, people, that did this for us. He paid for you. A really big sacrifice, I might add... So, if you're a believer out there reading this, don't forget, "You are NOT your own; you were BOUGHT at a PRICE." (capitalization mine.) So, live like it, Kayla Aiken. Live like it, friends.

We may not get another chance.

I realize how great...Your affections are for me

Hi friends. :)

Blessed: divinely or supremely favoured.
Time: an appointed, fit, due, or proper instant or period; the particular point in time when an event is scheduled to take place; the right occasion or opportunity.
Impact: influence, effect.

In certain situations in my life, it has taken an extreme intervention by God to slap me back to attention. At least, they feel extreme. When God can't get something through my thick head for a while, He resorts to dreams, people, and a heavy heavy spirit. Lately, my spirit has been burdened. Burdened for myself. Burdened because I've been so selfish...

Tonight, riding in a car coming back from dinner, my Dad had a nice little chat with his 3 girls. It's very rare that we are all in the same place at the same time. He took advantage of the time and spoke to us about the times that we are living in. How exciting they are. But, also, how dangerous they are. He spoke to us about living right, whole, healthy before the Lord. To do what is right constantly. I was convicted.

I've been so worried about myself, about what I feel and what I want. I've been focused on what I can get out of the rest of the years of my life. Just how successful can I be? Refreshing on how much being driven toward success is just part of who I am, I do not feel sorry for that. I'm not convicted about that specifically. But I am convicted because I know deep down, I've been wanting what looks best in the world's eyes than what looks best in His eyes.

Tonight my Dad talked a little bit about our family history. This is the part of the blog where the defined words come into play. I've been blessed because I am loved by my God. And, though for no known reason, He favours me. He has purposed my life. Even as I type the words, I am chilled. I love You, God. Christine Caine sent out a tweet a few days ago about how rare, rather the odds, of being born at this time. I am only the 4th generation on my Dad's side of the family that has chosen to follow Christ. My great-grandpa Johnny went to church and gave his life to Christ at a very young age, spent several months studying the Bible at school, and chose to raise his family in accordance to the Word of God. He changed the course of history. <>. I bet several of you can relate. The magnitude of my Great-Grandpa's decision altered. the. course. of. my. life. Now, let's shift toward my Mom's side of the family. This is even better. My grandma was the first person, and still is, the only person out of her entire family that accepted Christ as her Savior. She married an unsaved, alcoholic man. And when my Mom was 12 years old, my grandpa gave his life to Christ. The Lord freed him from alcoholism and smoking literally overnight. This is my ancestry. Not hundreds of years ago, but just a few decades ago.

So, tonight, the Lord spoke to my Spirit and told me just how incredible I am. Before you take that to think I'm conceited, let me elaborate. My family, we're fresh at this. Time. Appointed, due, proper instant or period. I love this definition: particular point in time when an event is scheduled to take place. God chose ME to live at THIS time. Why? What do I have to offer Him? I mean, WHOA. What event has God scheduled to take place that He wants me to witness it, be there, make it happen... This is HUGE for YOU to understand, too.

This leads me into talking about impact. What influence/effect do I have on you? I think about all of you that have affected me. More than likely, my friends don't even realize how much they've affected the very core of my being. Leave an impact that's worthy of leaving. Befriend your sisters, brothers, family. Set an example for your nieces, nephews, and cousins. Be a world-changer for Jesus. 'Leave it all out on the field. No regrets.' Blessed. Time. Impact.

Jesus, I am so so sorry. Forgive me for allowing wickedness to shadow the pure heart You gave me. Wipe me clean again, Father. Tonight, You've spoken to me and told me how important I am to You. The last thing I want to do is abandon You. God, expose me. Humble me. No complaining. Make me beautiful. Use me. Guide me, Lord, into the next step of this life You've so graciously laid out for me. Mold me into the image of Your Son. Oh, how You love us.
Amen

Brighter Days Ahead

My spring break from school started a week ago today. I have until Monday still off to relax and gear up for the next 8 weeks of blissful nursing! :-) My last post..whew... So many things were/are on my heart, but God is faithful. At that time a week ago, I was so discouraged. In the last seven days, God has shown me so much about myself. Through gentle whispers, a calm breeze, no homework, and a really good book. I've missed my Bible. Trust me, I'm NOT a daily reader. I used to be, but the past several months I've become a slacker in that area. However, this whole week at home, I just feel like a part of me is quite lost without it on my bedside table. Just the appearance of the Word of God strengthens my soul, and I didn't even know it.

On my way home for spring break, I stopped off at the library and picked up a book by Dr. Kevin Leman named "The Firstborn Advantage." If you are a firstborn, or you know someone that you are having connection/relationship issues with (i.e. a firstborn friend/relative), this book is for you. It really lays the life and mentality of a firstborn right out there. It talks about perfectionism, and how truly, we are SO into pleasing ourselves. Eventually, it leads to what Dr. Leman calls a discouraged perfectionist. It has nothing to do with what YOU are doing, but everything to do about what we, in our hearts, are feeling about ourselves.

It's incredible, really. I feel a real blessing from God by being introduced to this book. It's a nice sized book, but within the first 12 hours, I had 120 pages of it read. I can't get enough of it. I honestly thought I was one-of-a-kind, but holy smokes, he is nailing EVERY single one of my characteristics and personality strengths and weakensses. I LOVE it. A quote he uses throughout the book several times is that a firstborn is the "mover and shaker of the universe." World-changers. I love that! The book, with God's grace, has helped me understand why I have made the decisions I have made lately, and how I view the consequences thereof. <> I just LOVE learning!

Beautiful stuff. We truly do have something great to live for.

thank.you.Lord.

Season Change- (beyond simply winter to spring...)

"Just remember, there is no condom for your mind...", she said.

--The act of a condom is to protect, provide a barrier, and to stop the spread thereof. Though the word itself is referred to a sexual act, it's principle can be applied elsewhere.--

The difference between right and wrong. We conclude that it is such a gray area. That living on the line is, in fact, the best place to live. After all, it happens to be the most exhilarating. Nothing compares the adrenaline rush I receive from contemplating the pros/cons of a decision that may or may not be right. Just how far can I go? If I pass the line, will I remain close enough to it so I can cross back over? Life on the other side of that line...it is, well, free... The Spirit reminds me, though, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free..." Galatians 5:1a. It continues to read, "Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery" (5:1b). If this is true, (and I fully believe it is), why do I feel so trapped and so 'un-free'?

If the call of God is irrevocable, what happens if I stray away for a little while? Can I come back and pick up where I left off? Just how far will my sin separate me from the Lord? Can I really be used if I damage who I am in the Lord? How much of my mind can I possibly destroy before the point of return?

Through discussing some of this with a friend, she made the comment that is quoted at the beginning of this blog. It really impacted me. No matter what decision I am trying to make, the consequences of that decision will affect my mind. Nothing I can do will be enough to protect my mind. Again, the act of a condom is to protect, provide a barrier, and to stop the spread thereof. And again, though the word itself is referred to a sexual act, it's principle can be applied elsewhere. Just think on it. It causes deep reflection.

"If the choices you make drive you into a place of hiding, leading to depression... If you aren't ready to explain the decisions you make to those around you, then you are facing a big problem," she said, "and remember, there is no condom for your mind."

Basically, no matter how physically safe I feel in making ANY decision, I will not be protected from the impact it has on my mind, my soul, my spirit... Am I prepared for that? It's not safe to walk away from the hand, protection, and will of God. However, as heinous as it sounds, that's exactly what I want to do.

Will I do it?
I don't plan on it.
But, bear with me, okay?

Encouraging Weakness

Disclaimer: My blog is for my thoughts, (which may not be true, valid, researched, or agreed with).

Today was an emotional roller coaster. I slept about 5 hours last night, woke up and studied some more for my final test in Nursing Interventions (diseases/body systems) in Nursing School. My FINAL. Crazy, huh? Now, I have my nursing practicum left. It consists of a nursing leadership/management class that includes 128 hours of clinical with a preceptor. I feel ready to start making money. Well, I felt pretty good about my test, but I didn't find out until 4 pm today that I did indeed pass it.

Meanwhile, I was scheduled for coffee with a lady I met via Facebook through a mutual friend. She has been a missionary nurse for years, (longer than I've been alive), and I was excited about the get-together so I could possibly form an opinion about what to do next after school lets out. (i.e. pursue more education, work in which area of the hospital, where to seek mission opportunities while waiting...) She definitely gave me a lot to think about, but I left feeling really defeated. Building on that feeling of defeat came thoughts of in-competency, failure, and hopelessness. She assuredly did not instill that into me, but with what we talked about and where I am right now... it just all feels so far away. And everything I hear I take for fact, especially from people who have gone before me. When those 'facts' begin contradicting, it's time for a period of back-up.

I've known for a long time that there is a lot for me to learn, but haven't thought a lot about it because I've been so focused on finishing nursing school. Though, obviously, much training will go down in the future. I don't know exactly what my purpose in the country of Haiti will be, but the fact that God called me there in December, 2008 will never change. Romans 11:29, "for God's gift and His call are irrevocable." And, I strongly believe that in time, the when, how, and what for will come at His appointed time. Until then, I feel God urging me to learn. Expand my knowledge and prepare. To draw near unto Him.

The truth is that no matter how young you are, the Lord will/can use a willing vessel. If you've poured yourself out before Him, He WILL equip you. He WILL empower you. He WILL strengthen you. 1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." It doesn't say set an example for the believers who are younger than you are. It simply says, believers. ALL believers. I am to set an example for those younger, older, and the same age as I am. Through my speech, my life, my love, my faith, and my purity. That is a pretty extensive list of ways to set examples. Paul states this as a command. It isn't something he asked Timothy to do.

If the Lord has delivered a vision to your soul, or a word to your heart, or a desire for something more, develop it. Please do not let anyone discourage you. Do not allow the devil to begin to make you feel like you are not competent to do the big things God has shown you. Instead, use it as fuel to draw nearer to the Lord. It's times of growth that the devil uses his sneakiest to get inside of your heart and head. I love the following passage.

Proverbs 4:20-27
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.

²¹ Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;

²² for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.

²³ Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.

²⁴ Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

²⁵ Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.

²⁶ Make level^b]"> paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.

²⁷ Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.

I especially love v 23 and v 25. Above all else guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life! That is amazing! My heart is a wellspring of LIFE! The Lord knows this because He created it to be exactly that. If our hearts are not guarded, the wellspring begins to dwindle in it's output, and pretty soon we're down to trickle drops here and there. Guard your heart. Pray for me as I guard mine against what may cause it to harden or become hurt.

And v 25. Just keep looking straight ahead. Dwelling on what has happened will keep your eyes fixed on the past, but better days are ahead of you. Pastor John and James River Church have really adapted the phrase, "The Best is Yet to Come" and this is TRUE. God will continue to expand territory, broaden horizons, increase knowledge, entrust more to you, bless you more... It's amazing to think about.

This blog started off about 30 minutes ago wherein I was feeling really just down in the dumps, but by spending some time meditating on these verses, the Lord is already encouraging me.

Dear Lord, You are a good God. You have gone before me in every single decision I have made lately, and You have been my rear guard. On all angles, I feel protected by You. Thank You for the love you show me. Thank You for surrounding me by people to uplift me in times of weakness. And most of all, thank You that when I am at my weakness, Your strength is shown to be even stronger. Lord, please direct, guide, strengthen, build, renew, console, and just love on us. Jesus, tonight I just want to be loved on. And, I want to love on You. Remind us continually of the plan You have for us on these few short years of eternity. I love you, Lord. Amen

I was late!

I woke up this morning to see the light shining through my door. Sounds marvelous, but panic seized my heart. You're not supposed to be seeing light right now. It's NOT naturally sunny at 4:45am. oh-my-goodness, it's not 4:45am! Yeah, it happened...again. Now, I get to pay to go to the hospital on what should be beginning my Spring break. Ugh! The culprit for the late start is my telephone. They are not as reliable as we think they should be. Apparently at some point in the night, the thing turned off. <>, Oh well, right? What can I do about it, now?

I woke up at 7:45 am, and decided to spend some time with the Lord in the Word. How refreshing it is, and how surprising it is! I am reading the Bible through in a year, but I'm doing it differently than most do. I am doing it chronologically. Currently, I am in Numbers. What a book! Right now, I just finished learning about how the Lord separated the Levites from the Israelites to be the caretakers of the Tent of Meeting. While Moses and Aaron have been playing the go-to for all the Israelites complaining. A while ago, it surprised me just how protective of Moses and Aaron God is. He wanted to kill off all those who opposed the brothers. But, Moses, in his humility, prayed that God would not. Though because of some disobedience on Moses and Aaron's part, God told them that they would not enter the Promised Land. Then, Aaron died on a hilltop. I'm so excited about what I am learning. God is teaching me practical ways to apply it to my life right now.

What I lack is a relationship with the Lord through prayer. Of course I pray. But they tend to be so shallow. By the time I make it to praying, I'm usually so exhausted I fail at remembering all I need to bring before the Lord. Before I go any further in this updated blog, reflecting upon the last sentence brings such surprise to my soul. As if God doesn't know all that is going on. I'm in a women's Bible study group right now that is discussing how to live a praying life. I've learned so far, that the way we're taught to pray in Sunday School...well, it's not right. Maybe someday I can condense what I've learned about prayer into clear and concise words, but right now, it is still rolling through my mind trying to get rooted.

Let me encourage you to dig deep into the Word of God. And when you pray, pray His will over your life and others. It's His will that others flourish, and that you are lead and directed. It's His will for your loved ones to come to know Christ, and it's His will that good is done. Your job is to pray it through. I wish I had more time to discuss this with you. For now, be encouraged! God is with you. He is there to help you, even if you wake up late for clinicals! :-)

xoxo
Kayla

Satisfaction

We each find satisfaction in separate things. Some enjoy ice cream, others prefer a Hershey's candy bar. Some crave a steak, others crave vegetables. I'm reading a book named Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus. It is really good. The truth is that many are starving their souls. They're trying to feed it with so many things that they think will satisfy it...but only the love of God can feed it. Doing what the Lord created you to do- satisfies it.

Me- I have been designed and purposed. To be in Haiti. To serve. To love. In December of 2008, I heard God speak and in the middle of the Barnes and Noble Starbucks cafe, I almost fell off the chair. If you've only recently began reading my blog, you do not know the story of the past year of my life. God has been so good, and He is so near.

I've been learning a lesson. I've been learning about passions, loves, and creations. And my professor has been the Lord. He is taking time to show me how HE is the one who gives us our passions. It is because He did, indeed, create us for His plan. We are but human, and we cannot contain every passion that the Lord has. In fact, we can only hold but a portion of one of his passions. This isn't 'rocket science,' and I realize some of you that read this will be confused or think this is old news. But, God is teaching me something, and I want to share it with you.

He has created me, and birthed into me a love for people. More specifically, a passion to see people to come to know Him and live in the passions He designated for them before they were born. And a step deeper, a love for the Haitian people. One that feels blood deep. I don't just love them, they are family to me. One of the lessons I have learned is that, (duh), not everyone has the same passion as I do. Some people do! I've talked to some that do! But others do not have the slightest clue as to why I would want to live somewhere that is in such a desperate place of neediness. Perhaps it's because I realize what a hopeless mess I was when Jesus came and lived in me. Some people are fearful for me. Most believe I won't follow through with the calling of my God.

A few things come to mind when that is implied. 1) Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 2)If He is for me, who can be against me. (Italics mine). and 3) The calling of the Lord is irrevocable. Long long ago, when I was a pre-teen, I told the Lord that every breath I took, and every step I took was His. I would do whatever, go wherever, and do it whenever He asked me to do and go. I have an opportunity to go to this country in November, and I am praying that God be glorified in any decision I must make regarding the trip.

Please learn this with me. The passion in my heart is God-given. He has allowed my heart to feel what He feels for this country and it's people-HIS people. You may have a passion to place orphan children in foster/adoptive homes. That passion is God-given. He has allowed your heart to feel what He feels for those children. You may have a passion to start a cafe, a passion to birth children, a passion to be a scientist. You must understand your passions are not of yourself. They are given to you by an all-knowing, omnipresent, and fearless God. They are His passions. Let Him do the work through you. Understand that other people's passions are from God and they are just as important to Him as your passion is to Him. (Because they are ALL His!) Be mindful of that. Would it be a little weird for me to remind you to support God's passions? Though sometimes we allow our feelings to be hurt, and we become offended because we think someone isn't paying enough attention to our passion and dream. Two things to that: 1) Be respectful of other's dreams and play into them. Give contacts, pray hard, and offer your help to someone who shares their dreams with you. And 2) Don't get offended. It's GOD's passion. He will get done what He wants to get done. Just be His vessel.

I'm stoked about what I'm learning, and I hope that you have gotten something out of this late night post! In 5 hours, I'm awaking for my day at the hospital!! Bring on the learning because one day, Haiti, I am coming to help you! And, until then, my soul will remain slightly starved, because until I'm working in the passion the Lord has given me, I will still crave home. Haiti.

Satisfied? Or do you still crave?

Guilt and Love

Ya know, It's really hard for me to even justify the feelings I have for Haiti. The sadness... I'm trying to remember to be proactive. I'm not there. I've never been there. But I long to be there. Tonight during the service at James River, a man delivered a Word from the Lord. It was intense. A lot of what the Lord had to tell us was about just whole hearted openness to Him. Be willing to let Him use you no matter what it may cost you. It's hard to picture the next several years of my life. Honestly, past the month of May, I am blind. But, I do know I want May to get here quick.

I think about what they lack and what I have. I thank God for His provisions. I am blessed. But, I can't help but think about water and food wasting here. Every single night when I lay down in my bed, I almost feel guilty. Thousands are sleeping on dirt streets.

My heart is burdened. And I know the most powerful thing to do is pray. So, I'm going to go spend time in prayer.

...and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. Isaiah 58:10

*Haiti*

Convoy of Hope (check out www.convoyofhope.org) sent out a really awesome tweet the other day. It read something like this, "As Haiti's story leaves the news, please do not let it leave you." It's one of those sentences that impacts you at 200 mph, and breaks your heart. It leaves you thinking, What can I do? Knowing full well that there is only so much money one person can give. Don't get me wrong, I know there is MORE that you can do besides just give financially, including raising awareness, possibly going to the ground to aid, and prayer. But sometimes it all feels so very insignificant. I am one person. How can one person make a difference?

It is then that I am reminded by our most powerful God how much difference one person CAN make. Elijah prayed against rain, and for like 70 years it did not rain. That's rather significant, don't you think? Last night at church, we learned that the most powerful kind of prayer is consistent prayer. Hour by hour, day by day, night after night... consistence. The full weight of that responsibility did not hit me 24 hours ago, when I heard it. It is making impact right now. I can't help but find correlation between Haiti/media/prayer in my own life. I prayed literally every second of the day for a solid two weeks for this country and those serving in it, but as time progressed, so did I.

I caught myself about a week ago updating my twitter status. It was going to read "kaylaaiken: is starving. Must stop and eat." When I realized my words, I was so ashamed of myself. We are blessed. I am so blessed. Blessed isn't even the word for it, I feel sometimes. I'm downright spoiled. I take advantage of my situation, and millions more do too. When I'm hungry, I eat. When they're hungry, they wait it out. When they're hungry, they find their stash of mudpies. But when I'm hungry, I drive to the next drive-thru and order a $5.00 meal. FIVE dollars is a week's wages in Haiti.

I have been following a family from Minnesota. They have been missionaries working with two ministries, one of which is Heartline. It is a medical team. They have several children, and reading Troy and Tara Livesay's weblog...it is life altering. It keeps me from becoming too numb. It reminds me of the devastation. Check out their weblog and pray for them. Pray hard for them. They have recently (this week) flew to the United States to be with their children. They put their children (all of them) on an airplane short notice to get them out of Haiti. Not even knowing exactly where that plane was going. Can you imagine? Can you i-m-a-g-i-n-e??

They were reunited with their children and their son-in-law captured the reunion through photos. Viewing them brought tears to my eyes. This family needs prayer. They are sorting through a lot emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

As Convoy of Hope said, "As Haiti's story leaves the news, please do not let it leave you." Pray, friends. Pray really hard. Haiti needs your prayers. We are all called to intercede for them.

I love you!!
~Kayla~

Be the One

I have had so many short words from the Lord that I have wanted to share with you, but no time to put them on to my blog this week. So, I'll just share what the Lord laid on my heart today.

Today was Vision Sunday at my church. It only happens one time a year, and it is a collection of blessings and stories of how God has gone before us AND pulled up the rear of all the projects the church has stepped out in faith to accomplish. It is also a compilation of what dreams and visions the church has for the next year. I can't share with you everything because it would just take too long, but let me just emphasize that it was so very special. I cried out of joy during the entire thing. God's SO faithful, which simply blows. my. mind. When a door is opened to you, step through it, even if you're unsure of what's on the other side.

A few Sunday's ago, Pastor Scotty preached about getting involved and how it is our job as Christians to serve, no questions asked. Jesus served, so get past pettiness and just go for it. I have had such a rough time getting connected at James River, but over half my trouble has been brought on my own self. Whether that be shyness (which I really am not), fear (again, usually not a problem), or indecisiveness (which IS a problem...). However, I decided to fill out a volunteer card, and I got contacted by all three of them. I chose to go with the Red Carpet ministry. (Check out www.jamesriver.org to learn more.)

This morning, they hosted a meeting for those who want to be a part of the Outdoor team. I have always appreciated the greeters on the sidewalks, and entrances to the property, and just LOVE to love on others, so I thought this would suit my personality best. And, most of the greeters I have seen have been close to the same age as myself, so I think it will be a good connecting point! I volunteered to help set out cones beginning at 6:30 in the morning. How early?! But how much fun, right? Then I will greet for the first service, then attend first service and go home. Awe! I know it's gonna be early, and cold for a while, but I am gonna LOVE this.

The Lord and I were having a little conversation as I was driving earlier, and we were talking about my desire for marriage and a family soon, (which we have a lot), and I felt God's approval of what I decided to do in the area of volunteering this morning. He also gestured that what I want in a husband and lifelong partner, I must be myself. I know some of you reading this are like, "Duh..." It definitely hit me in a different way today.

Here's a few things that are musts in a mate:
:of the Faith.
:willing to take giant God risks.
:serve wholeheartedly and faithfully.
:be mentored by those wiser than he.
:a leader who follows.
:a lover of the house of God.

And, if I want all of those things in my man, then I, too, must want those things. I say I am. But, in truth, have I been? Have I been willing to take giant risks for God, serve faithfully (not late...), willing to follow before leading, have I truly LOVED the house of God, and the church therein? I'd like to say I've given my ALL in those areas, but in truth, I know that my fleshly tugs have definitely reigned in some of those areas.

Here's the thing, when I begin to do what I want my future husband and wonderful father of our children to do, I will probably meet him. Currently, all I'm doing is warming a church seat for the next guest, (which is rather comfortable), but I would never date someone who wasn't active in the church...

Sounds so goofy, I know...

An application from MY lesson tonight: Be the friend your ideal friend would look like. Be the servant of Christ your idea of a Christ-server is. Be the sister that You would want to have. Be the daughter, wife, momma.... It might be really uncomfortable, but when you step out, God will reward you. And, a gentle nudge of approval from the Lord feels way better than the 'best' this earth could give.

I'm a stethoscope...

About a week ago, the mom of the family that I live with turned 37. She was able to get this great house on Table Rock Lake through their TimeShare, and got to keep it 3 days, 2 nights. How cool, right? Well, she (and I) (and girls in general) LOVE to talk. She happens to be one of the greatest conversation topic starters I know. After we had tossed around different topics, one of the ladies there shared about a little message she used to speak on with a small women's ministry that traveled and spoke in different areas. (At least, that's the way I understood it.) I had her repeat the verses she based it off of twice, but to my despair, I still can't remember them. Oh well, I guess I can use it as an excuse to get together with her! ;-)

It went something along the lines of understanding that God has created and designed us all for different purposes, and some verse in the Bible does some crazy comparison to which she has came up with finding an item to describe who you are.

Ex. Cindy is a book, because she loves to write, (books!), and she is full of information, and knowledgeable, etc...

Which leads me to explaining the title of this blog post. I've thought about sharing it with whoever reads this silly thing for awhile, and now I am!

I am a stethoscope. Aside from the obvious reason of it being a medical instrument, and that I wear it around my neck (which is technically a no-no), one of the reasons I thought of was that I really like to get to the heart of a person. I love learning about who they are in the Lord, what passions they have, how they're going to change the world. What kind of mom they are, wife they are, sister, daughter, leader... I can hear skipped beats during conversation and immediately want to console and treat the root of the problem. Then, Melinda, (the mom of the family I live with...), chimed in and mentioned that I ask frequently, "How are you?", which is true I do. And I typically receive the classical, "I'm good, how are you?", when I truly want to know what the other person's life is currently like. Granted, some people find that intrusive, but others see my heart and understand I truly care.

Then, blessed Cindy, (who doesn't know me at all), said that when she thought stethoscope, she thought about how they are sensitive. They pick up on every little noise, and they know how to keep distance from loud things. Things that would cause too harmful a vibration. How cool is that? I just love it! I'm a stethoscope. I'm sure I could find many things that I could describe myself in, but this one is definitely a top for me.

What about you? What would you be? Don't think too hard or it won't work!
xoxo,
Kayla

I'm interceding for you, Haiti

Yesterday I started my last first day of Nursing school. What a milestone, huh? In less than four months, I will hopefully be beginning to work as a graduate nurse. Then, after I take my boards (NCLEX) I will be able to officially write RN after my name. Like this:

Kayla Aiken, RN

I mean, that is just really cool to me. I'll have just turned 21, and hopefully will no longer have braces in my mouth.

Let me talk to you about something more meaningful:

I didn't purposely wait another week to update my blog for it to be on the 2 week anniversary of the 7.0 earthquake that rocked Haiti's world and those diligently working in the country. Even as I type the name Haiti, I am brought to tears. I'll only say it once, (b/c I could go on and on about it), but I LOVE that country. I LOVE those people.

Last week, especially toward the end of the week, I was just so emotional. Because I can't go to aid the country right now, I felt like being involved and staying caught up in the news was the best thing I could do. Truth is, it didn't do anything but cause me depression. Awareness is key to move hearts of people to pray, give, go... I already prayed, continue to pray, already gave, but I just couldn't go. It has bothered me to know that I have skills to help those that are hurting, and I feel like I'm hoarding my gift, because I can't actually reach them... This might sound weird, but the truth is my 'spiritual' gift (if you may) is healing. When I see people hurting, I seriously break down. It's bittersweet. Bitter because I can't always help them, and sweet because I know God is the one who feels that for the broken, and I am the vessel being used by Him.

Saying all of this, (it's such a scattered post), the disaster in Haiti has reignited my fire for prayer. I was having a sincere struggle understanding the purpose of praying and feeling it never went above the clouds, but it was all because I thought I had to plead a case and pray hard enough, say scripture verses in my prayer, and remind God of all His prior answers to prayer. False. Truth?: Just give it to Him, and if I feel it continually on my heart, intercede. If you pray the way I described above, it's exhausting. At least it was for me. When I thought about praying, I shut down because I was too tired to come up with reasons why God should answer my prayer. Now, I know better. God doesn't need that info. Whatever your passions are for, God's the one who has given them to you. He knows the facts. He hasn't forgotten promises in the scripture, He hasn't forgotten the past. And, He's in the future. Keep interceding. I'm interceding for you, Haiti.

God, Haiti needs help. May we all be empowered by the Spirit to be the vessel You've designed us to be. Bring hope. Amen

He is not shaken, nor surprised...

12, January, 2010-One week ago, the country of Haiti shook violently and mercilessly while it was the pawn in the hand of a ravaging earthquake. The whole world knew minutes after the tragedy occurred, and began to respond quickly. The running line you saw most news articles beginning their story with was these words, "homes, hospitals, businesses, everything is flattened..." Many people are dead. The Red Cross currently estimating 70,000 but very likely more. It's been 7 days. Medical opinion speaks that the likelihood of finding anymore alive is virtually zero. Yet many are still missing loved ones. Which places the death poll possibly even higher.

In the midst of simply searching for survivors, panic, grief, pain, injuries, chaos, and sadness have no doubt prevailed through the cities. As a sister in Christ, I grieve with them. As a daughter of the Most High King, I am called to intercede on their behalf. Haiti was already a desperate nation. They were already starving. They already struggled to find clean water. They were already desperate for work to support families. They were already needing a desperate refreshing from the Lord.

Praise You, God, for organizations that have been established in Haiti for an extended period of time. Thank You, Lord, for the Convoy of Hope, Samaritans Purse, Messengers International, World Vision, Compassion International, and many more who have invested so much to help the nation. The country of Haiti has needed the attention it is receiving now a long time ago. The awareness of the crucial state Haiti lies in. Hunger is prevailing. Disease is bombarding the weak and immune-suppressed. AIDs is transmitted in Haiti and is killing God's children. There WILL, no doubt, come a point where we will have to say this: "What you did in the heat of the moment was astonishing. Now, what will you continue to do? This is vital to not just recovery, but growth."

I've followed Haiti for a little over a year now. In October of 08, I had the privilege through to begin sponsoring a baby girl age 9. Through a monthly contribution, it has been made possible for little Cheline to go to receive a hot meal everyday while receiving an education, as well as help for her entire family. She is involved in church and loves to play with babydolls and sing at church. Although I am a thousand miles away, she is in a sense my first daughter. And I love her.

Thirteen months ago, the Lord told me very clearly that He made me to serve Haiti. He designed me to help them. Although I am a thousand miles away, Haiti is where my heart lives. I share God's heart and passion for the Haitian people. I desire each one of them to come into an enriching relationship with the same God I serve and am blessed by. I hurt when they hurt. I cry when they cry. I laugh when they laugh. I will walk with them here, and when it is time, I will walk with them where they, (and I, myself), call home; the country of Haiti.

You may have a passion to go to the country to aid in relief, (as I do, also!) but the fact remains that sometimes, even when something is a passion, we have to yield our feelings to our Creator for Him to control. I am learning that this burden I have been under for 7 days (+ one year) is not because God wants me there on the ground at this moment. It is because He has called me into a time of intercession for His people there. Currently a time of intercession for the Haitians, the United Statesmen, the British, the Australians, the Venezuelan's, and many others assisting in the relief, recovery, and sustainability process. If God wanted us on the ground, believe me, we'd be there. For who can stop God? Who can thwart His plans? Who's plans are higher than His?

Stand your ground. Out of major events, comes major faith. Out of major faith, comes amazing works of our God.

God, You are not shaken. You are not taken by surprise. The people of Haiti and those helping need Your rest and comfort to be brought upon them, for they are weary. You are in control, and all things work in accordance to Your end for them. We love you, Lord. We place our worry and fear in You. Amen

P.S. If you have not given your coffee money away, or spared yourself from Kohls, Target, or the local mall to give financially to a reliable organization that has history working with the country of Haiti and is actively aiding right now, I highly encourage you to do so. I gave 10 dollars because it is what I have right now. But effective organizations can make that 10 dollars stretch to 40 dollars and possibly as high as 70 dollars.
I recommend www.convoyofhope.org as they are backed by the Better Business Bureau, and have achieved the highest rating of four stars by Charity Navigator. Do it. Do it for Cheline, and her friends. Do it because you know you can.

Prayer for Haiti

I am praying, and currently am rather speechless aside from prayers. I would like to be more informative with this blog update, but right now, I just want to pray. And I need you to join me in praying.

God, You are not taken by surprise at this tragic situation that has rocked the country of Haiti, and drawn the hearts of the entire world. We know that ALL things happen for a reason. Your Word says that You protect those who serve You. I am asking You right now to protect every single soul that is in the country of Haiti and city of Port-au-Prince even moreso. Put a hedge of protection around every single individual. Bring quick, intelligible, effective aid to those who are injured and remove any hindering forces from their way. God, protect those that are bringing aid right now as I type this blog. There will be incredible unrest, anxiety, and fear ravaging the country. But, Your strength and protection I pray to be upon relief organizations and medical teams as they begin to flood the country. Provide all the necessities as needed.

I ask Lord, that You would shower Your peace upon the nation. That Your Name would be proclaimed in the midst of tragedy, and that those who follow You will rely on You and not turn away. I ask on behalf of those who do not yet know You, that You would lavish Your mercies and grace upon them. That You would pour forth Your peace upon them, too. God, You are so big. So capable. So strong. Let all the nations witness this. Let the whole world be moved by the tragedy in Haiti. Let this be a time for those to rise up and chase the vision You've laid in their hearts. You know You have me.
Amen

Fasting Day #1

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine updated her twitter status with a link that lead me to a site from Jentezen Franklin. For a long time, he has encouraged others to join with him in a fast at the beginning of the year to simply start out right. I have never fasted from really anything before. To be honest, that fact is quite embarrassing, but if I never start, that's way worse.

My life the past 2 weeks have been crazy. I'm just sayin'. One particular day while at home, I decided to literally POUR myself into the Word of the Lord. And that one particular day was the worst day of my winter break from school. Two things. One: Sometimes I don't know when to just let things go. and Two: Satan hates that I want to give more of myself to the Lord.

Yesterday should have been the first day of the fast, but I just couldn't decide what to fast. Food wasn't really an option because of some problems I have with my blood sugar dropping, and that I am on a specific diet program so cutting out soda's and sweets are already something I do. So I knew it needed to be something that I spend a majority of my time with. My friend that I'm doing this with text me and let me know that she decided to fast facebook. Immediately I was convicted with the thought that I, too, spend an unruly amount of time on the popular site. I knew almost instantly that I needed to fast this. Thanks to Lindsay, the Lord used her to help me find where my priorities lie. Because I didn't begin yesterday, I began today.

Here are a few of the reasons I am fasting for 21 days.
1. I am set on seeking God with ALL that I am.
2. I want to restore intimate, consistent, life-changing connection with the Lord.
3. There are people in my life that need the Lord.
4. The coming year there will be many life-altering decisions I will make.
5. I long to be close to the Maker of our universe.

Well, I hope you will join me in doing something to bring yourself closer to God. He is amazing! Follow me while I'm on this journey. God WILL move.

Survival

Well, it's officially the new year. 2010. It's gonna feel weird writing "-10" on my dates. I still wrote 08 all last year. It's true. The older you get, the faster time flies.

There are so many things about this year that I have to look forward to. If I don't remind myself how quickly 2009 passed I may very will wish 2010 away. Currently, I'm home sittin in my grandma's house 100 miles from where it feels my life actually is. It's so weird. I don't really remember the transition where "home" no longer became "home-y", but it definitely happened. I've been home since December 19th, which will only be 2 weeks tomorrow, but I have cabin fever like crazy. There is NOTHING to do in this town. Not having a job has made it extra boring. Dang this economy!

I'm in such a horrible mood. Kind of feeling like the Lord is purging me. Anyone ever felt like that? I just want to cry. I'm so emotional. You would think I suffered a personality change. Though being home sometimes does that to me. There's only so much I can take sometimes.

One thing I want to talk about after I really study about it in the Bible is hypocrisy. The questions I want to be able to answer are these: What is it? What are some signs of a hypocrite? What are the consequences to hypocrisy? What effects does it have on those around you?

I'm curious as to what I will find.
Until then....
Kayla