2010

Tonight I attended the SBU-St. John's College of Nursing Pinning and Commencement. What an exciting thing to join in celebration with the graduating class of 2009. It was also very exciting to catch a glimpse of what I get to do in like exactly 5 months. The date of my graduation is scheduled for May 20th, 2010. Whoa! I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, though. :) Let's do it.

Today marked the last day of my 5th semester of classes. Crazy. Three words: Time flies by. I was thinking earlier about all that I get to look forward to in the year of 2010. Here they are. Celebrate with me!

2010:
Start my last semester of working on my first nursing degree in January.
Get my braces off!
Turn 21 years old in March!
Graduate in May!
Start a job in June!
Take my boards in June!
Get a NEW car!
Move into my own place!
Find a husband! (So that's not a definite thing... ;-) haha)
Grow with the Lord! (<-that's pretty definite.)

That's a lot of really cool stuff! Really, that only takes me through half the year. Who knows what the other 6 months could hold, huh? God is such a good God. I can't wait until I can start talking about moving out of the country for missions. Maybe that will happen sooner than I hope. :)

Goodnight, loves.
xoxo

how to handle God's call

This is an excerpt from my Amplified Bible featuring notes and commentary by Joyce Meyer. I don't like the Amplified version, so I don't typically pull it out very often, but tonight, I am glad I did.

"Paul said that he kept the news of his calling to himself; he did not check it out with "the big guys" who were supposed to hear from God (see Galations 1:15-19). He knew what God did with him on that road to Damascus. He knew that he was changed forever (see Acts 9:3-8). He knew that the Son of God was unveiled and disclosed on the inside of ihm. He knew he could never go back to the life he had lived. He knew that for the rest of his life he would preach the Gospel and remain faithful to what he heard Jesus say to him.

But Paul also had the wisdom to know people would find his calling unbelievable. So he waited on God. He did not go running around checking witht he other apostles, saying, "Hey guys, I saw a light on the road and fell down, and this happened and that happened. What do you all think?" Instead, he went to Arabia, and then came back to Damascus. Three years after that, he traveled to Jerusalem to become acquainted with Peter, but did not see any of the other apostles except James.

Paul kept God's Word in his heart and let it grow and manifest on its own. Then he started doing what he was called to do. Soon others recognized that the calling on him must have been from God. What was the result? Galations 1:24 tells us that the people glorified God as the "Author and Source" of what had taken place in Paul.

Has God given you a calling to serve Him? As you stay in His Word and wait on Him, you will see growth in your life and receptivity to the message God gives you."

What a great lesson for me to be reminded of this evening. I'm a definite people-pleaser, and I am consistently looking to others to see what they think of what choices I am making. When in truth, I only need to wait upon the Lord. I need to not get too ahead of myself. Paul waited with the Lord for 3 years going through the training of his mind and transformation of his heart before God gave him permission to carry on with His duties. Whoa! 3 years?! It's only been one year since I was called to missions, but the truth is, that God is in control of where I go. He wants me to get there way more than even I want to get there.

Good stuff....

Crazy Wedding Dream

Last night I had a really crazy dream. In my dream, I was standing with this guy that I used to have a huge thing for back in the day. He was standing beside me as my groom. But, he was so unhappy. I felt very confused because I knew it wasn't time to get married. Nothing was organized. I was in a beautiful dress, but no one stood up beside me, and there was no one there to officiate the marriage, either. My dad didn't walk me up the aisle. Very few people were even smiling. But, I loved him. I told him that several times, and he would just look at me like he felt bad for me. It was a horrid feeling. He told me that he couldn't tell me that he loved me, he could only show me. But still no happiness was revealed on his face. He didn't even want to hold my hand.

Now I know that this guy doesn't 'like' me now, even if he did back in the day. So, the actual person in the dream doesn't really cause me to think anything out of the ordinary. But, the Lord has spoken to me through dreams many times. As soon as I woke up, I felt something in my Spirit. I didn't want to hear it. But, at the same time, I knew better than to try and stop listening.

It felt like the Lord was saying to me that when I try to rush things and do it my way, everything feels so wrong. So 'wrong timing' feeling. I remember during the 'wedding' in my dream, there was a part where I was taken aside and family members were pushing me to marry him because he was good for me. "If he doesn't love you now, he will later," is what they said. I even woke myself up talking aloud in my sleep trying to tell him that through everything, I would be there for him. Friends, it was soooo real. I very rarely remember my dreams. Actually, typically when I do remember them, they are from the Lord. (Even as I type this up, there is still this crazy nudging feeling inside my gut.) As I listened to what the Lord wanted me to hear, I felt Him saying that He understands where I'm at in the whole relationship/wanting to date thing. And that if I wait, He has something incredible in store for me. But, if I choose not to wait, I will end up with somebody that can't love me like God wants my mate to love me. The choice is mine, and God will bless either one, but He has something better for me.

I want to be able to just relax and be content in waiting, but this urgent feeling is one I just can't shake. And maybe, just maybe, this urgency isn't in my heart and soul for a man. Maybe it's for something else God has brewing. Sometimes, I wish I could get a small glimpse of what the heavenly realm is holding, but I know I could never understand it. The more I read my Bible, the more questions I come up with.

God, You are an amazing God. Although I don't always understand Your ways, I want to walk with You. I want Your journey for me to unfold before me in Your timing. Lord, I need Your help to keep me in check while I wait. I need guidance. I need training. I need love. And, I need wisdom and understanding. Help me be a blessing to others, Lord. Open doors for me to do Your work. To do Your will throughout this town. Help me share Your life-breathing news to the homeless, broken, down and out. Use me, God. Use me, please. Show me purpose. Give me patience. Break me. I need to feel Your love, Lord.
I love you, God. Amen.

Pray for the nations.

Lord Jesus.
Thank you so much for who You are. Thank You for being gracious, merciful, and the lover of my brokenness. Thank you for all of the opportunities You have so delicately planned out before me. Thank you for loving me, Lord.
A long time ago, I gave you my life. And, I told you that I would do anything, go anywhere, be anyone for you. My whole life, Lord, is so yours. And, I'm completely content knowing that I gave it to the One who is in complete control of everything.
In this beautiful life You have given me, the one you chose specifically for me, the life that you put together so intricately, in the life that you designed... you gave me an authentic passion for the hurting. When I see the very ones that you created to live life to the fullest broken, bruised, battered, and forgotten, my heart literally cracks.
God, Your people are in pain, and I am crying out to you to send help to them. God, call up this generation of children. Give them hearts full of even more passion for Your treasures living on this earth. Your people. I pray that when people see photos of the hurting, homeless, and starved that they would fall to their knees in anguish, but rise again knowing they are to bring hope. It is our responsibility, and I pray that You pour out conviction on those that read these words. Draw people into serving the least of these, Lord. Shut every door and leave no room for the enemy to cause confusion.
I bring the missionaries before you. They have laid down their life to reach these people. They have sacrificed many things to bring hope to them. God, bless them. Protect them. Strengthen them. Cause their hearts to be full of hope and excitement. As they worship You in song, and in the Word, and in their daily life, shine down upon them. Give them what they ask for. Send along others to help them fulfill their needs. Give them dreams, visions, and desire for what is to come. Pour Your spirit down upon them, and let no evil thing come against them.
Thank You Lord for being a God of love, and one of faithfulness. I am nothing, absolutely nothing without You.
Amen

Sometimes My Heart Aches

It's been a while since updating my blog. (And, at 11:30pm, it's probably not a very good time to try to do so...)

It feels like the more I try not to think about the fact that I'm single, the more anxious and impatient I become. I know I'm only twenty. I know that most people like to remind me of that quite frequently, even though I really dislike it. I know that I have time, and I'm not doubting that for a second. It's just that it all feels so very hopeless. Could he really be out there? Is there really a man that wants the same thing in life that I do? Could there ever be someone so specific?

A lot of people say to make lists, to pray for specifics, to make vows, to do this, to do that... but it's not really that necessary. A list isn't going to bring you the man of your dreams, and praying about it doesn't make a whole lot of sense because God knows what is better for us than we do. The more I pray about it..the more I just think and dwell on it. It may be better for me not to pray about it. ;-)

The things I long for and feel ready for... coming home to make dinner, chat about the day, read a good book together, pray together, volunteer together, connect with others. . . Share in the same dreams and visions for the future the Lord is planning for us. I know it's totally not necessary to be married and do huge things for the Lord. And, I'm all down with that. But at this point in my heart and life, I ache for it. I'm not unhappy alone, or mad, or sad... just ready. At least that's what my heart says.

Another ridiculous point is that I have virtually NO time to put into a relationship. Maybe that's why God hasn't sent him yet. He knows I'm busy... yeah, I'll keep telling myself that. Lol. I can be impatient, but the truth remains that God's timing is best. (Elizabeth said that is what the sermon was on tonight. Too bad I had to be at clinicals.) He knows what I need way more than I do. God wants me to get where He wants me to go way more than I want to get where He wants me to go. And, I must cling to that.

I have so much more I could/want to say.... but I won't.
Goodnight, loves.
xoxo

Cutting the cord, because I CAN.

When I think about the possibilities... oh my goodness, adulthood is SO exciting! Independence is thrilling! Responsibility is s-c-a-r-y! :) But, I'm so amped that after May, 2009, I will be my own person. I will be making my own money. I will be living independently. No more feeling like I need permission to do things. I am cutting the cord and clinging to the Lord. :-) It is gonna feel soooo good! If I want to up and drive across the United States, I can SO do that. If I want to hop on a plane and fly to CA, I SO CAN. If I want to buy a car, I CAN. If I want to give my money away, I CAN. If I want to say, "No!" I CAN. , I can taste the sweetness now! And it tastes GOOD!

St. John's hospital here isn't hiring very well, which I knew was going to become a very real possibility. So, I must be open to new opportunities. At first, getting used to leaving Mountain View was a slight challenge (okay, so there really wasn't a challenge there at all). But, I enjoy Springfield. But, I want a job more. So although the idea of leaving Springfield is a little scary (okay, really scary), I bet I could manage. I'm so NOT good at meeting new people, but I would so make it.

I have no idea what the Lord has in store. One thing for sure, I will follow Him. If He wants me to stay here, I trust He will provide me a job. But if He wants me to leave, I will go boldly, confidently, powerfully in the Spirit, and faithfully!
(And, a cool thing: I will make this decision with God's help. I will not make what others feel is the best decision. <- This is awesome.)

God, You are SO cool!
-Kayla

I don't want anything for Christmas...

God is SO good. I am so grateful to be allowed in His presence. His presence definitely wasn't always this accessible. How blessed we are!

I am so thankful for those that the Lord has placed me around to teach, lead, and guide me. I am thankful for learning different parenting skills, marriage skills, leadership skills, servanthood skills, how to LOVE the Lord no matter what you go through. How to praise Him in the storm. I am SO blessed!

I'm still waiting. Several times I've been tempted to change the name of my blog from, "Kayla's Journey to Haiti" to something less specific. Not a whole lot has changed from simply being called to aid the country and now I feel it could be years before even getting to set foot on the territory. Nevertheless, I am headed there and I will get there sometime. In this season of waiting, I will rest and be refreshed by the Lord. I will learn during this time. I will gain experience in the field of medicine, and I will reach local people. I LOVE people.

I LOVE people a lot. There's one thing that angers me a lot; When people hurt other people purposefully. I genuinely have a heart for those that are hurting. God has blessed me with a strong desire to see people live in the knowledge that they are loved, that they have a blessed future in the Lord, and that they are a child of the KING. That they have potential and that they can be healed. I never want to lose this feeling of wanting so badly to just help the needy. After all, there have definitely been times when I remember my family qualifying in the 'needy' category. So many people rose up and helped us. I remember distinctly one time coming home after church and our kitchen table was full of groceries, and the refrigerator and freezer was full. I remember as a young kid how much I was blessed with food I liked. And, I can't tell you how many times a close friend or family member has filled up my gas tank while I've been struggling in college. There's nothing wrong in needing some help from time to time for extended periods of time. It's just important that when you are back on your feet, you give back like you were blessed/more than you were blessed.

I've decided I pretty much don't want anything for Christmas. If anyone was actually going to spend money on me, I would want to save it and put it back to either A)give it to someone who needs it or B) put it in a missions account to save to go do work to help, still. I can't wait until I have the finances to bless other people with. To be able to do that would bless my heart so much! Yay, I get so excited just thinking about the possibilities! :-D

I MUST get rest. My eyes are BURNING. :)
Night!
xoxo

Resting

This past week I have been making it priority to find rest in the Lord. I love to worship the Lord. It is a passion of mine that I have had since I was 12 years old. It was at that age (8 years ago), I knew the Lord was training me to be a worshiper. We are all to worship, and give Him praise for what He is doing in our lives. I find comfort in knowing that even when I don't see all the answers in front of me, God is in control. I love knowing that this little world we live in is nothing compared to all that goes on in the Heavenly realm. I love this verse, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Eph. 6:12). I love it because it signifies something so much greater than ourselves. So much greater than our everyday work lives, our school life, our church life. It shows me that we live in a sort of matrix world. Where adventure and excitement occurs. Where warriors of God and princesses of the King live. Where the Lord is watching over us all the time, and although tough situations can throw us for a loop, the TRUTH is that He never leaves our side. The TRUTH is that He loves us!

I've switched up a portion of my worship routine at church even. I remember how it felt to lead worship and see some sitting down reading a book, or staring at the church bulletin (yes, we're not oblivious) and I remember feeling as if I had failed at leading the people of God into the heart of worship. I wrapped my mind around routine; Stand up, raise your hands, love the Lord your God. But it became just that, routine. Even as I stand in the crowd. Don't get me wrong, when I stand and raise my hands and sing with all of my might, I most definitely am praising the most high King with ALL my energy, but sometimes I think God invites us into His presence to sit and become refreshed and renewed so that we can impart peace and comfort to others. Agree? Last Wednesday night, during the last worship song, I sat down in my chair, leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and sang to the Lord from my heart of hearts. And what a beautiful picture the Spirit painted in my heart of the Lord. He is so worthy to be praised, Amen? I'm sure I looked odd to those around me.

During my continued time of rest, God has been restoring my heart. Building me to be a Warrior Princess, strong and elegant. Able to fight and able to heal by His power. Filling me with hope for the future. Filling me with a desire to restore broken hearts. Preparing me to heal using prayer and medicine. Pouring out a favor so sweet I can taste it on my lips. Training me, using me, loving me. And all the glory goes to Him.

I will overcome this world because I have the Overcomer living in my heart. I will defeat the darkness because I have the Light to shine radiantly from my face. I will defeat my enemy because I have donned the full armor of God. I will live because He came so that I may have life more abundant. I will fight for what He wants until the end of my day. I will rise up. I will.

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

¹⁹Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,
²⁰for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

(Ephesians 6)

Perfect timing. . .

Lie down in green pastures of Peace. Learn to unwind whenever possible, resting in the Presence of your Shepherd. This electronic age keeps My children "wired" much of the time, too tense to find Me in the midst of their moments. I built into your very being the need for rest. How twisted the world has become when people feel guilty about meeting this basic need! How much time and energy they waste by being always on the go, rather than taking time to seek My direction for their lives.
I have called you to walk with Me down paths of Peace. I want you to blaze a trail for others who desire to live in My peaceful Presence. I have chosen you less for your strengths than for your weaknesses, which amplify your need for Me. Depend on Me more and more, and I will shower Peace on all your paths.
-Sarah Young

This is evidence of God's handiwork. On October 24th, I was just very tired, and feeling very out of Peace. I'm sure you know how that feels. Anyway, if this encourages/strengthens anyone else out there, it's totally worth posting.

xoxo

Devotion

October 21

To live in My presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies. When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference. Try to become aware of each resentment, however petty it may seem. Don't push those unpleasant feelings down; instead, let them come to the surface where you can deal with them. Ask My Spirit to increase your awareness of resentful feelings. Bring them boldly into the Light of My Presence, so that I can free you from them.

The ultimate solution to rebellious tendencies is submission to My authority over you. Intellectually you rejoice in My sovereignty, without which the world would be a terrifying place. But when my sovereign will encroaches on your little domain of control, you often react with telltale resentment. (italics mine.)

The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise: The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Remember that all good things- your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time- are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand!

Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me thoroughly, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

1 Peter 5:6, "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that in due time He may exalt you."

I always enjoy reading these mini devotions out of Sarah Young's book Jesus Calling. They always challenge me to view the Lord a little differently. She set out to write down what the Lord spoke to her heart for a solid year. And these mini devotions are what He spoke to her. When I read these, it's like the Lord's presence is flowing right off the pages and words in the book. I am so thankful for God's faithfulness and His riches in mercy and grace.

One thing I realized while I was in El Salvador is that when the Lord is speaking to my heart, I know how intimate His presence is in me. At first, you just want to be able to share the words He pours into your heart with the nationals, but a guy on our team, Levi, made a very excellent statement. He said, "When God is speaking to our hearts in our language, He is also speaking to their hearts in their own language." Simple statement, but if you meditate on that, how incredibly powerful is it?

It was literally a moment where you could understand for a few seconds how 'everywhere' the Lord is. He is not just with you, or in your town, or state. Not even just in your own country. He is as intimate with a person in Sri Lanka RIGHT NOW as He is in you. That, my friends, is incredible, unexplainable, powerful, and straight up truth.

I italicized a sentence in the devotional that really made me think. When God's Holy Spirit encroaches on my little domain. . . I never want to respond with even a hint of resentment or rebellion.

God, create in me a clean and pure heart. Renew my spirit to be in tune with Yours. Open my eyes to the things around me and help me be open to the leading of Your Spirit. Speak to me through the sun, flowers, and rain. Extend my territory so that I may reach others and use my voice, mind, and body to pour into others your living truth. Thank You for Your chastisement. Thank You for loving me. So much so, that You would place a check in my spirit when You want me to learn something new or change something old. Oh, how I love You. ~Amen

xoxo

It truly is ALL about Him

This morning, (early afternoon), I am still laying in bed. It's so cold in my parent's house right now, and I don't have the strength to fight the chills! ;-) I've been meaning to update my blog, too. I've been playing catch up reading everyone else's, and it made me realize that I just really need to let people know what the latest is in my life.

School! Oh my goodness, I never ever realized how much time my school would demand from me. I thought the farther along I got in Nursing School, the easier it would be to manage my time. But, I was deceived. Nah, It is going okay. I am really struggling with my main nursing content right now. I'm praying for more diligence and wisdom in spending my time so I can really focus on studying. I am also praying for a better attitude about studying. The Lord called me to be a nurse. I am doing this for Him, and thanking Him for my personal love for the well being of health for others. I am also making a major lifestyle change so that I, myself, may be in better health very soon.

Church! I struggled there for a while about whether to return to James River in Springfield, MO after I returned from El Salvador. I was hindered by how small I was and how little I could do in such a huge church. But then God opened my eyes through a single picture from the country of Haiti, and He spoke to my spirit, "This is exactly were I want you to be. I have placed you here for a purpose. You are part of this puzzle for Haiti at James River Church." So I stayed, and blogged about it entitled, "I'm staying" so check it out! I've been working alongside Pastor Scotty and Casey Gibbon's family to help with childcare and anything else they need. I'm very blessed to have been placed by God to offer some of my talents and giftings to them.

Free-time! I live with a family of 6. A type of boarding, if you will. I've known them since I was very young, and they are very hospitable. It's becoming easier to say "no" to the children when indeed I feel like saying "no." I'm a people pleaser and saying no to anyone is extremely difficult for me. Especially to the people that mean the most to me in the whole world. This is a problem I have been working on. Because, sometimes saying yes to things requires me to back out on things I have committed to, or become very stressed because I cannot manage my time efficiently between everyone. But I really enjoy hanging out with my Life Groupers, and hitting the coffee house every now and then. Caramel Macchiatos...mmmm! So bad for me! :-(

Holiday letter/Newsletter will go out over the course of the next few weeks. I am putting together a little something that will say to many that read this and keep up with my life a very sincere Thank You and a short summary of what going to New Orleans and El Salvador did for the residents that live there because of your generosity and prayerful attitude in sending me to be Christ's hands and feet. It will also include updates about the future and my long term plan. (Not that it is a set plan, because everything is totally in God's hands, and we all know how He is best at tweaking our plans to make them soooo much better.)

Most currently: Please be in prayer for this: About a year ago, when God began to visibly transform every step of my life in front of my very eyes, a small seed was planted in my heart by what I believe was most indeed the Holy Spirit. I had a very strong urge to write down what was happening, and I did. But, I also felt like I am to write about it so that others may be inspired at a young age to follow their heart and act on what God puts in their heart. I also want to incorporate our in between years for girls. Ya know, the years I am going through right now. Those out-of-high-school-in-college-single-girl years. I think God may have a slight twist in our life stories, and I can't wait to continue in prayer about this matter, and then ACT on it! How exciting!

Well, I must go and take a shower, and actually begin this day. I really can't believe I am still in bed!

Love you! xoxo

So Loved

I should be studying right now. In my defense, I have studied a LOT today. :-) And, I am feeling rather crummy too. SO, I deserve to update my blog.

This weekend was the JamesRiverWomen's conference Designed For Life: So Loved. It was incredible. It was such a resourceful time for me. Another encouraging, bold, confronting push for me to really show people how much Christ and myself love them. I do love people. SO much. My heart breaks for the lonely, isolated, hurting, socially withdrawn, sinners, homeless, hungry, naked, and sick... During my time in El Salvador, I prayed and begged God that He would replace my eyes with His own. I want to see through people as He does. I want to feel the pain His heart feels when He looks at what this harsh world has done to His people.

I love the way this conference spread how much God loves His people. But, what I love more is seeing those loved people spread more love. I just love seeing people do the very thing we were created for as women. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!

One specific thing I felt the Spirit speaking to me during the conference was that I may very well be using the idea of worldly success to inhibit God's ULTIMATE plan. God has a plan, and He can take any decision I make and tweak it to get me where He wants me. But, I don't want to waste time. I want to be out there allowing God to get EVERY second of my life as He can get. And, it's SO up to me to give it away to Him. He will not force me to give Him all of me. I know that God has a plan for my life far greater than I could ever imagine. And, I'm going for it.

The past few weeks I have really been tossing up the idea of furthering my education in the Nursing field. And, when I stepped back and evaluated the reasons why I would do this... Well, let me share them with YOU.
1) I will make more money.
2) I will be able to lead, to be in charge, on a hospital floor.
3) I will be able to pay for a nice house and car.
4) My family wants me to.
5) My close friends think you can never go wrong in having a higher degree.

And, I agree with everything that everyone tells me. It is the logical thing to do. I felt God speaking to my heart these questions during one of the sessions.

First question asked: "Could the want for success be a tool Satan is using to keep me from missions?" Hmmm.... maybe.

Second question God asked, "Will you always think, 'You're only a _(fill in the blank)_?'" (i.e. a nurse with only an associates, a nurse with only a bachelors, a nurse with only a masters, a young barely out of teen years girl?) And, as I type this, I sense God saying to me, "What about how I view you? Does that mean nothing to you, my daughter?"

Third question, "Am I missing the point?"

And as I answer the third question... I do think I have allowed myself to get unfocused. We as Christians tend to think that unless things are happening right in front of our faces, God isn't working or He is taking a break with us. But, I know the truth is, He is waiting for me to give Him a little more of me. How much more trust will I put in Him? How much? How far will I go? Will I be comfortable in knowing I am a daughter of Jesus and that He is my SOLE provider, or will a bigger, more prestigious degree?

I am going to close up this blog. But before I do, I want to let anyone who may feel the need to take offense that I am definitely not saying that furthering your education is a bad thing. In fact, I say GO as far as you can. In my case, God knows that I DO value this, but for my goals, dreams, and aspirations in my life, a higher degree may not be necessary right now.

In my perfect world, I would like to come back from wherever God sends me and eventually become a Nurse Practitioner. But what if there isn't time for that right now? What if God wants me now, all of me, for THIS time and occasion?

If so, I'm ALL there. Will you pray for me?

B.l.e.s.s.e.d.

"Exactly where is my...

...money?" It's something I've been asking SBU for several weeks now. Then, I find out yesterday that the reason I don't have it is all my fault anyway. I hadn't signed the promissory note. But, I thought I had... oh it's not really worth rehashing. Long story, and boring. :-)

Well, anyway, I've been living on next to nothing since returning from El Salvador the last day in July. I literally have not had cash in my wallet since then. My family has been so generous in loaning me money, but it's been in small amounts at a time, and gas is well...expensive. That, and I am not always the greatest at budgeting. Although, that is so going to change. I have a lot to return to my family, and a few other things to financially take care of. . . and then, maybe I will be able to focus on something else.

The reason for writing this blog is about to make itself known.

Today, I went to pick up a check that SBU wrote out as a cash advance type thing. They know my money is coming, so they are just helping me out a bit. So I drove up to Bolivar knowing that the check would be ready for me after 1:30pm. I got there a tad early, so I just hung out listening to music in my car. Thinking. . . Around that time, I went to get my money. :) After receiving my check with no problem, I went to my car and almost screamed out loud in excitement! As I was unlocking my car, God pierced my spirit and immediately I heard Him speak, Do you trust in this to take care of you? Do you find it alarming that you put so much faith into a material thing? I immediately reevaluated my response to receiving the money in such a relieving-type way. Because, I realized that I was doing exactly what I had never wanted to do again. This being, putting joy and less stress in the fact that I had money. Not that money isn't necessary to live on, and not that God doesn't bless us with it. But, I literally acquainted how safe I felt with how much money I had. Which is so wrong. God has gone before me and been my rear guard my entire life, and I have not felt it moreso than these past few months.

Anyway, to some, it might seem a little crazy that I place so much importance on this. But, what is most important is that it was spoken to me. Not everyone will God deal with the same. For me, it was to make sure I wasn't placing so much trust in such a material, unreliable item. Never have I been more ready and willing to do some serious life changing things. Budgeting, here I come!

WOW! :)

Church was SO great this morning. The sermon was one that encouraged people who were not in a life group to get in one. It also reminded us that are in life groups the benefits of staying in one. Pastor Scotty made a great point. You wouldn't take a job based on the negative things it came with; You would take a job based on the benefits you received from it. This is an awfully short way to put it, but I am terrible at summing things up well.

AnYwAy, I was so encouraged at church this morning. I think just being in the House of God this morning is what did it. Coming to the conclusion earlier on in the week that I was done being rather selfish about church and what I expected from it played a vital role in this morning for me. I am so grateful for connections and divine appointments God has done for me. I sometimes measure how in tune with God I am with how much I perceive He is working in my life. I know, ridiculous... But it's sometimes how I think. But I'm trying to really change my viewpoint from this distorted untruth to the fact that when I do what I am supposed to do such as pray, read the Word, and spend time intimately with my Savior, He is indeed still transforming every fiber of my heart.

Life Group is tonight! I am so very very excited for it tonight! :-D

xoxo

Back in the game!

I have been SUCH a procrastinator lately. Not just school or good rest time... but to church and friends time. It still feels a little weird. School definitely makes life a bit more of a routine, but it has not been one easily settled into. Still struggling a bit with moving in with a family of six. They are soooo good to me, and amazing people! I am so blessed.

I've avoided church a lot lately. I don't think that's common for those who come back from life changing missions for God. But for some reason, loneliness absolutely gripped my heart. I'm sure satan had a good work in this, and I could definitely feel it. But the point is, no more. I went to a Designed For Life meeting last night. (DFL is a women's conference my church is putting on and I'm volunteering.) They talked a lot about how much the women coming to this conference are loved, and how much they want to be able to spread Christ's love to them so they can share it with others. The end goal of course being new souls on their way to Heaven! And after a rather stressful day, this tiny sprout of, "Oh yeah, that's why I'm here... To show LOVE!" popped up into my head, it just all came back.

I'm here. Not to sit. Not to stand and mope. But to MOVE. To RISE UP. No part is too small. Through the love and will of Christ, I can most definitely be a part of changing lives. As I type this up, I'm thinking to myself how ridiculous it is that I was lied to about these things. Be careful friends, because Satan is so very sneaky. Your thoughts are so very controlling and it only takes one time of letting your guard down for him to slip in.

Be encouraged. 1 John 4:4 says, "You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." I am definitely encouraged by this!

You are so loved!

Speak Louder

Hollla!
So, I know it's been like a good while since I've updated. Four short days after my last post, I started classes. I guess that's a good indicator of why I've been MIA. I guess you could say I've been a POW. :-)

Not a lot has gone on since last update. School has sucked most of my time. Between school, childcare, and church, August was especially busy. September has slowed a bit and become a tad more organized, but school.. oh man, what craziness!

I guess what I'd like to talk about tonight is the importance of staying in your Bible.

We all fall short of that goal to get up and read every morning before we start our day. I have. I have a lot actually. And, I'm feeling it. Without starting your day with Christ, it's as if you skip out on your spiritual Wheaties. How do I go through my day without having on the armor of God, without being equipped by the scriptures for spiritual readiness and warfare, and how do I go without the remembrance of God's holy love wrapped around my heart?

For me, I have to be reminded daily of how much I mean to God. Without His steady Spirit, calm voice, and firm guidance I am nothing. I am worth nothing to my colleagues, patients, and instructors. I have been experiencing difficulty sleeping, anxiety throughout my days, and a poor attitude about church. It's as if I've transformed into a different person entirely. Tonight, it finally hit me as to why I have been feeling like this. I have been relying on myself. I've become more independent than when I was with Convoy in the summer. Dependence on God and God alone is what allowed all the doors to open to me. I trusted Him, and He knew I trusted Him with everything I had. Now, however, I've resorted back to this thinking of I am in control.

A little update on me. Nothing too interesting. But, I've been meaning to update for a while.

Love you guys/Praying for you.
Kayla

Eat this!

Wow, what a week this has been! Such a time of change and development. I've grown up a little bit more in these past few ways. I'm 20 years old... kinda have been for a while, and it's time to face the fact that I really am growing up. I mean, I've always wanted a professional life. I want to be that person that others look to for answers, and I want to be a role model. A Godly role model. One that no matter what I do in my life, others will see that I am mature in Christ, mature in mind... God has blessed me this year perhaps moreso than in any other year of my life. And, His blessings continue to be poured out upon me. Why? Because He loves me.

I've never been very comfortable with hugs and kisses. (Unless they're from grandparents...) :-) And, I'm not a 'flirter' or one known to do any chasing boys. I've never quite understood guys my own age. And, I don't know of any single man at this moment that I would come close to dating. My view of men in general hasn't always been very healthy. I realized that this past year when my roommate and I were talking. I spilled how I really feel about men in general. Here are a few adjectives I usually use (remember it's a general feeling...not anybody in particular): hardworking, cowardly, and selfish. And, although I need to work with those feelings, these past few months I have been surrounded by people that don't show their selfish love. They have been showing Christ's love. There's a very real difference.

Christ's love cares. Genuinely cares about where you're headed. It invests in who you are as a being. It shows you how much God loves you. I've learned a LOT about myself, others, service, leadership, and more. But, one that sticks out to me more than anything else is how much God loves me. He loves me, no strings attached. He loves me way more than any earthly man could. He is my guide through the Bible, prayer, dreams, and other people. Because of God's love, I look at myself differently. I never thought I was worthy of such high devotion. Rephrase: I never thought anyone could be devoted to me the way I was devoted to God and that no one could ever lead me like I needed to be lead in Christ. And, why even expect something like that from a man. But then I realized that God is way more devoted to me than I could ever be to Him, and who better to lead me than Himself? And, if anything, God wants that man for me, too. COOL!

I'll leave you with a quote from a book I read this summer that helped create this view of knocking out fears. It says something like this, "God wants you to get where God wants you to go way more than you want to get where God wants you to go." And, He wants me to be happy.

So, eat that devil.

Just a Prayer...

Hey God,
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to scrounge myself out of bed in the morning. Must get on a better sleeping regimen before school starts. So many things are floating in and out of my small brain. So many things need deep thought, and serious prayer time with You. I find myself just ignoring them because I don't want to go through the frustration of possibly making the wrong decision and causing turmoil in the end. God, please grant me the wisdom to take care of all of these things. Give me a heart that can understand other's opinions, but the strength to stand firm in what You have spoken into me. Keep Your hand on my emotions, as they need Your controlling. Walk with me through all that is ahead. Give me patience, God. Your patience.

God, I read today again that You have given us a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. Not one of timidity. I pray moreso that if there is timidity inside of my life, that you gently continue to replace it with more of the three. I believe You will/are doing this. Thank you and I praise You for it.

Father, I pray for this back pain I've been in for over a week now. I'm not sure what I did to it, but I do know it's causing me a lot of pain I could live without. Please place Your hand in the situation and heal what is all jumbled up back there! I know You can, as You are the ultimate physician. Thank You for being a great doctor!

Lord, I pray for all of my friends, and those who have supported me over the past several months. If they've recently experienced the loss of a loved one, I pray that you comfort them, and show them a peace that surpasses all understanding, and that you give them strength to continue with life. If they or someone they know is facing an illness, I pray healing into that situation. God, YOU HEAL. I've seen it over and over, and I pray that you stop cancer cells from splitting, and that You restore function to body parts that have lost it, and I pray that you bind Satan from attacking minds with depression and anxiety, as this is not from You. More than all, I pray a blessing upon each one of their lives, their children's lives, their relatives lives, their marriages, their workplace, and more. I thank You. I know that You bless those who bless others!

God, as I get up and start my day, give me patience. Today, I want to radiate the same kind of patience You have. I want to shine You today through specifically patience.

In Your Name I Pray,
Amen y Amen

Opportunities

There were so many opportunities set before me that I got to think about while being away this summer. Leadership opportunities at Realife, a sizable clientel of people to babysit for, a job at a reputable Christian book store, working with administration of JamesRiver, and others. I told just about all of them that I was going to have to pray about all of these. Obviously, with school, I can't do all of them. It would be a lot of haphazardness going on because I wouldn't be able to fully dedicate to any one of them. So, I prayed and sought God most earnestly regarding one particular opportunity. One that would be fun, challenging, growing, and it would add a bit to my schedule.

Toward the end of the trip, I was becoming a tad concerned with the fact that I hadn't really heard from God regarding this opportunity. So, I sat down on my bed with my Bible, prayed, and began to read. As I read, I begged God to work on my heart, and help me solve my dilemma. Before I even left for the trip, I was feeling a bit hesitant about the opportunity. But, it deserved a ton of prayer before making any decisions. And, to be quite honest, I still haven't made a decision. But I read this:

"Everything is permissible"- but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"- but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

1 Corinthians 10:23-24

Now, for you theologians, I understand this doesn't exactly fit in the correct context of what I am dealing with, but at the same time it kinda does. Like, this opportunity doesn't lay an obvious disclaimer such as "Sin or not sin" because then it would be easy to choose what to do. This verse helped clarify a few thoughts. 1. It IS a permissible thing. 2. It may/may not be beneficial to them/me. 3. I truly do want to seek what is best for them.

Join me in praying regarding this.

Second thing of the day, I can't help but continue to think about Carmen. The lady I wrote about a bit ago while I was in El Salvador. God only knows how much I want to go back there. And, if I allow myself to really dwell and think about it, I grow so sad. I kind of feel like I abandoned them. There's so much more I would want to do with the people we worked with. I want to pray for them. Like physically lay hands on them, and cry out to God pleading their case. I pray for them throughout the day while I'm here, but it just isn't the same. I'm not sure why Carmen continues to come to my mind, but so many lessons were learned by her example.

Here are a few thoughts that come to mind when I hear the name Carmen:
1. selfless

2. in pain

3. uninformed about medication she is on

4. worth far more than rubies

5. so alive

I could go on, but I won't. She is still so fresh and vivid in my memory even though it has been over two weeks since meeting her. Will the people who read this please say a prayer for her. That her body would be healed and strengthened as she strives to care for her 50+ year old son. That as the seasons begin to change in El Salvador, she would be taken care of. That someone knowledgeable would take control of the medication issue.

Here's a photo of this Carmen. My sister in Jesus. I can't ask you enough. Please pray for her and her son.

When I look at this picture, all those opportunities I'm in the process of having to sort through...they don't matter. I don't want any of them. I just want to be with her and her people. I know that isn't reality, and I will face the things that await me here...

...i really don't want to, though.

Realization

So, it's the fifth of August, and it's the very beginning of the day. It's 12:15 am. It will never again be August 5, 2009. Why I am not sleeping at this absurd hour of the morning, I will not know. Actually, I think it has something to do with the medicine I am taking. It says it causes dizziness and drowsiness (which it definitely does) but it also contributes to insomnia which I have anyway. :) Not really. . . But, it is more difficult to sleep on this stuff.

Anyway, I am not blogging to discuss pharmacology. I am blogging to talk to you about what God has done in my heart the past few hours. As I was going through boxes, (and unpacking into my new room in a new town in a new house), I was praying and worshipping and asking God to speak to me. Throughout the evening, I have just had this anxious feeling. One that I have often before some mindful breakthrough occurs. I was listening to Hillsongs..."Lead Me To the Cross" specifically, and these thoughts crossed my mind:

There's so much more to Me than Hillsongs, and James River. I am so much bigger than both of them. I want you to know Me more than that. I am not only attracted to how they worship and love me. I love how you worship and love me. Don't put me in that box.

I've been trying to sort through a lot of thoughts lately. Current thoughts and upcoming decisions don't just affect me, now. They affect those around me. They affect those who I've sort of committed myself to. And, quite frankly, it kinda stinks. I wish I was the only one I affected. Selfish, I realize... but you've probably felt the same way before.

God, as I try to sort through all of the craziness in my head, I know You know the outcome. Thank You for loving me, Lord. Thank You for Your hand of favor on my life. Thank You over and over again for being my God. "If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." I know You love me. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I know You know the outcome of all my crazy thoughts. I know You have the answers. And, I know You want me where You want me way more than I want me where You want me. I trust You, Lord. I trust You with everything I am, and with everything I have. One second with You is way more meaningful than my entire life ever could be without You. Please know I love You. Please know... Allow me the privilege of showing others who You are and what You are all about, Jesus. Sort through my heart's desires, and pull what is not of You. Give me clarity, wisdom, and guidance. Be my guide, Holy Spirit. Provide divine appointments. Keep my heart, Jesus.


xoxo
Kayla

It's been a whole 7 days...

...since being in another country! It's been one heck of a week. Adjusting to hot showers, US food, toilet paper, schedules, and my own bed has been awkward and rather difficult. I knew it would be different, but I never really thought it would be this hard.

I think one of the things that I am finding most difficult is the busy-ness of our society. I'm not frustrated at the wait in lines, or the many cars in the drive-thru. I don't get angry if someone doesn't understand what it is I'm saying, and I'm finding that more and more people aren't as interested in "how they do it in El Salvador is. . ." news. I have my own cell phone, on which I receive many texts and phone calls...which sometimes I'd prefer I didn't receive. :-) And, I'm less motivated to get up and go.

Life is a Mission's trip, and just because I'm not in El Salvador doesn't mean I don't do 24/7 ministry. So, encourage me to live here as I did there. It was simple, and not full of meaningless tasks. I didn't care if my clothes were wrinkled, and if my makeup looked perfect, or if my hair was frizzed. Not saying I want to look like a slob, but I also do not want to fit/conform back into my culture here. I don't.

I have a lot more thoughts running through my head, but I'm just ready to spend some much needed time with Jesus. So, goodbye technology for awhile, and hello simplicity.

-xoxo Kayla

I'm only beginning. . .

. . . this journey that God has called me to.

I'm back in the United States. I think now more than ever I understand the verse in the Bible that talks about how we are only alien's in this land. We don't belong here. Our life is a mission's trip. Not a summer of our life, or a 'season' of our life. "Life is a missions trip," says Matt, "again, life is a missions trip." My time in EL SALVADOR was one filled with compassion. It seemed the more love I poured out, the more I received. Our God is funny like that. The more we give, the more we receive. I sometimes feel like saying, "It's enough! I don't deserve all of this, God." But, He just wants to show how much He loves me.

Leaving my new family was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. I'm not understating that. It was seriously that hard. I cried for 45 minutes after I pulled away. Needed to pull over, even. I thought about all that I was leaving. Encouragement, Devotion, Love, Hardwork, Intensity, and Discipline. I didn't know how I was going to function without being surrounded by such Godliness.

When I woke up on Friday morning, I was still heartbroken. I missed walking in and seeing Jill's lovely face welcoming me with a fresh hot pot of coffee. And, Morgan's "Good morning, Kayla!" and Kelly's, "Hello, beautiful!"... Seriously, who wouldn't miss that? I felt rather lost. Like, I'm home, but my heart is broken in 12 separate pieces and spread all across the United States. I know this sounds exaggerated, but it's the truth! I missed them so much, I left the house early and spent the entire afternoon at the intern house where we have lived for the summer. I visited with Shannon and shared more stories, and laughter. Then, it was time to leave again. I got back to the house late, and went to bed but found I just couldn't sleep. I woke up on Saturday, and again felt so lost, and realized it was moving day. I mosied out of bed, drove to springfield, and packed up the UHAUL trailer my family brought up.

On the day of moving, I was met with a loving hug and welcome home, and it was cool. But, with moving, family, and different personalities, I found myself wishing to just crawl back into a hole and spend time with God. Only God. Tempers flared, and words were shared that were just hurtful. After spending 6 weeks filled with NO complaining, very little anger, and all encouragement and words that lifted up, it was hard to even hear stuff like that. I listened to gossip, anger toward others, and mindsets that are so. . .different from my own. It was really disheartening.

I am so loved. I am very very blessed. I am loved. My family does a lot for me. My grandparents (both sets) have given up so much in order to give me the things that make me comfortable. My parents do everything they can to help me out in many areas. And, it's probably simply an attack from the enemy that makes me feel so separate from them. But, it could just be that I'm growing up, developing into my own person, and figuring out who I am. Not just who I am as a person, but who I am in Christ. I have the same responsibilities to do what Christ did on this earth while He was here. And, I have the Holy Spirit to help me accomplish that.

Many things are in my future. Good, bad, encouraging, discouraging, uplifting, and not so uplifting, and they are all things I am looking forward to. I can only imagine what this next year will bring. I pray daily that God's hand of favor be upon my life, and my future. And, I give myself wholly to Him every day I wake up. I also pray for divine appointments to be made, and that I am tender hearted enough to see them and interact in them. Will you join me in this?

I realize everyone will be waiting on an update of what happened on this trip, and I can't wait to give you all one. I'm going to be creating a newsletter, that will include a photo and an explanation of what my sponsors and prayer partners took to the children, their parents, and others in El Salvador!

xoxo
Kayla

Update #3

Hey family! I am sooo sorry I haven't updated. I haven't had the chance. It would have been a good decision to bring my own computer, but I didn't. Oh well, lesson learned and next time I will know to do that! I never can come up with a bunch of stuff to say on the fly, so I would like to simply share a journal entry with you! I wrote it yesterday the 24th of July. It is the day after our last day of ministry with the churches and schools in El Salvador. We do have one service we are doing in Cojutepeque, but other than that, we are done here! So here goes nothing!

7/24/09

Well, the last day of ministry was yesterday. Not that we aren't doing a lot of ministry for the rest of our lives! Right now it is 10:20 am, and we are in the van heading to pick up Sylvia in Santa Ana. She is so amazing. A very wonderful girl of God. As I reflect on these 3.5 weeks of being here, it just brings up such amazing emotions ad memories. The people in El Sarten accepted who we were and embraced us as we were. They treated us just like we were family. My heart will always be with them. They have left such an impact on me. Harland, Carla, Junior, Luz, Alba, Juan, Blanca, and many more. Lord please protect them. All the beautiful children, including Brian and Lily! And Antonio, my precious baby boy!

Our week in Perulapia was one that was trying. With miscommunications and a slight division in the team. And ALL the pupusa parties. Man! They feed us ALL the time! ;-) If I gain weight it will be because of those! Although I was sick one day, you absolutely blessed me! I got to learn a spanish song with a pastor. Cool! And, being able to connect with the school kids. The teen girls brought me letters they had written. They are so beautiful and very loved by me and God!

Then, the church I felt most connected to was in two separate places actually. God just really blessed us in the church. They are young, fresh, vibrant, and very annointed. They are so much more than conquerers and they are victors in Christ. I met Jefferson, who is the pastor's kid. He plays piano very well, and God's hand of favor is on him. He has a great voice and it was a privilege to sing with him. He taught me the chorus "There is None Like You" in Spanish. I got to sing it at the close of two services on Tuesday and Wednesday night. What incredible services!!! God's spirit is moving in that church and community SO much. 9 people were saved last night! WOW!! God YOU are SO good!!!

I do want to talk about this beautiful lady I met yesterday. Her name is Carmen. She is very old. Very ridden with osteoporosis. She said that last week, she began to have tremors and they were so intense she had to grab the kitchen table and they lasted for a really long time, until about 9 pm. She said she went to the doctor, but they never told her what was wrong. They just gave her medicine and sent her on her way. She is still really suffering. She is probably 85-90 years old. She deals with all of this while taking care of her 50-something year old son named Carlos. At the age of 14, he became very ill with a high fever. It lasted a good length of the time and it mentally and physically disabled him. He was sitting in this chair that would be uncomfortable to just about anyone, especially to someone who couldn't turn positions to get comfortable. He had a dirty rag on his lap to catch dribble, but there were flies all over him.. like tons of flies! He had no head support, and he didn't talk at all.

There house was in a very beautiful part of the community, surrounded by trees bearing coconuts and bananas. Many flowers, too. Of course, the house is like we always see in this country. They are all very similar in design. When we got to the house and greeted her, she went and changed her apron, began pulling out chairs, and she wet her hair and began to pull it out of the braid. She was taking things off the clothes line. She was trying really hard to make everything look really nice and neat. We told her she needed to just sit and try to be comfortable!

She began talking to us and she said when she had heard that a group of Americans were coming from Convoy of Hope she wanted desperately to walk to see us, but her body wouldn't allow it. She said that us coming to visit her was as if Jesus Himself came to her house. We meant that much to her....

--There is more to this story, and sometime I'll finish it. But I think what I've already written will pierce your soul. Think about all you have, because I can almost guarantee you it's more than what she does. But, in Christ, she has everything. :)

xoxo Kayla

Update #2

Hey hey mi familia! Buenos! I miss you all very much, but again I will say that I am having an excellent time here in El Salvador.

This morning was really the first time I have felt sick to my stomach, but resting today is helping with the nausea.

Friday was our last day in El Sarten. We have developed great relationships with the pastor and his family as well as the people of the village. Mateo dedicated two precious babies today. One of which was only 10 days old! His name is Ruben and he is the most precious child. I specifically connected with a little baby that was 3 months old, and his name was Antonio. He was so chunky and beautiful. I love that his mother trusted me to hold him. What great progress!

Yesterday we went to another town in El Salvador to meet a beautiful 15 year old girl named Sylvia. What a story she has! We all enjoyed Pizza Hut together and afterwards went to her house where she shared some precious items with us. She had made us beautiful necklaces, earrings, and bracelets. HOW sweet!!

Today we drove back to El Sarten for a church service. It lasted 2.5 hours! God moved in amazing ways! Glori a Dios! (Glory be to God!) My spanish is not good at all. I speak very little. Although, it's not as difficult as you might think to get your point across in another language. LOL. I can order food and ask a lot of questions. "Como se dise..." means "How do you say..." and then you just point to an object and they will tell you. The children will also ask you how we say it in English. Like this, "Como se dise en ingles?" I love them so much.

This coming week we will be in a different village working with different people. I embrace this change even though it means leaving those I've already befriended. I really feel God used us to make an impact in El Sarten.

For those that supported me: You have done an amazing thing by sending me here. No gift was too small, and all will share in the same reward given by God. I can't wait to see what is after El Salvador!

much love!! xoxo

The blog you've all been waiting on!

Hey guys! Man, I know it has been awhile since my last update. It has been because I haven't had wifi or a chance to get on a computer until now! :-) I basically want to share what I have written in my journal from a day or two. I just want you to see my heart and be able to share my experience. My heart is so broken right now. Here is my journal entry from today. I hope it moves you as it moves me. 

July 7th, 2009

Today! oh my goodness, what a day! It was our first day in a smaller village here in El Salvador. No joke, I am absolutely tired. My body is exhausted, as is my mind. Although, what incredible need there is here in this village. The children are straight out of what you would see in a compassion international child sponsorship picture. They are barefoot, malnourished, and starved for attention. When we arrived, we were greatest like they had never seen other people before. The pastor's wife talked to us about a vision she had last night about us coming into a dirty cesspool of water and just cleaning it up. I have to realize that I am going to have to get dirty (emotional, physical, and spiritual). I have to dive in and give all of myself so that God can use me to make a difference in this country.

While the children were learning, an older woman was holding a boy. He was very weak acting and then our translator told me he was burning up. I felt his forehead but his hair was wet because the woman had taken him and tried to lower the fever. i had a thermometer (disposable) in my first aid kit, so I put it under his arm and waited for 3 minutes and then checked it. He had a fever of 102.2 and that in after being doused in water. I went and made him a rehydration drink and got more information from his mom about his change in behavior and physical condition. He had been throwing up for several days and had diarrhea. This combined with the fact swine flu is on the rise, I 'diagnosed' him with the "influenza porcina" aka swine flu. I was so sick to my stomach with nerves and anxiety, but I knew that God was with me and the team. I also listened to the pastor's son's lungs. He had wheezes in his right lung, and had been coughing up green phlegm. I know this is sign of pneumonia, but the parents said he has been feeling better. I will continue to monitor him for signs of worsening conditions.

Today, Matt asked if anyone 'feels sick right now?' to the children and to the adults. So many people raised their hands, but all we could do was pray. Not that it in itself is bad. i just feel terrible knowing that I can't do anything without medication. And, it is heartbreaking. I really care about the people's health.

There are so many more things I could write about this day, but I am so tired. I really must turn in for the evening. Lots more to do tomorrow. 

Prayer requests:

-The health of the people and this team. Swine flu is spreading rapidly here in El Sal.

-My heart to continue to break for God's people.

-A clear and concise way to portray God's love for these people. (70% of who we met today do not know the Lord.)

I love you all!

xoxo

New Orleans in 8 hours...

I just got butterflies in my stomach. It's in knots, actually. The last 48 hours has been really crazy. Let me just say one thing to my supporters: Thank you for all you've done.

Now just my personal thoughts, I am so scared about this. I don't know why. I think it's just being away from home for so long. I know that it probably won't be so bad when I actually get out on the field because I'll be working hard and long hours. One of the girls suggested my obvious homesickness was being caused by still being in Springfield. I really am unsure of a legitimate response to that. I hope that is the case, because I am pretty miserable.

If I hadn't been called by the Lord, I would for sure just go home. But, I know that I have a purpose to be on this team of fantastic people.

I know these updates are short and sweet, but I journal a LOT and by the time I get around to these blogs that I don't think anyone reads I don't feel like putting a whole lot of effort into this!

I LOVE YOU that read, and if you LOVE me, please leave me a comment!!

xoxo

Truth talk...

So I'm not gonna lie, this day has been a tough one. I'm tired, cranky, and a tad bit homesick. I had a great morning, and an awesome lunch with my Life Group. Then, a good prayer time with the group and an amazing time alone basically this whole evening after 7. I'm fixing to head to bed now.

Here's a few things for my prayer supporters to lift up to the King for me personally!:

-My heart. That it would be guarded and strong.
-My mind. That I would only think uplifting, fruitful, and encouraging thoughts.
-My body. That I would not become sick.

And, as always, the El Salvadorian people, New Orleans people, and my team. Names: Erin, Shannon, Morgan, Victoria, Matt, Kelly, Chase, Niki, Jill, Leah, Levi, and Stephanie. Thanks from all of us!

xoxo

My spirit is heavy

As I sit here in the living room of the intern house, surrounded by 6 girls that have become a part of my family in less than 7 days, I am utterly amazed by what God has done. I knew what God performed to get me to be able to be here, but when I hear about what He did to get these others here I am moved to tears. Honestly, if I think about it long enough I do begin to tear and want to cry. I have almost broke down into tears several times when just thinking about our God and His sovereignty. Good tears, of course. Tears of joy and thankfulness.

My spirit is heavy. I just feel like God has this 'blessing'/'situation' that is unknown at this time to anyone but Himself. But the closer I get to leaving this intern house and going forth with 12 others to minister to those in another area, the spirit within me leaps and my heart thumps faster and my stomach ties up in knots. Seriously, I think, What could God possibly have planned for me?" More than that, what is it that God has planned for me to DO? All I know is that this time of training has made me more aware of what to expect as far as culture and plan to do to minister to those in need.

Well, I've been up for a long time today and I'm just really tired. I had a goal of being to bed by 10 pm tonight, but it hasn't happened. So I will talk to you later. I am going team building camping with the team tomorrow through Saturday daytime. No clue where it is we're headed, but I am excited!

I Love you guys so much!
xoxoxoxoxo

What a day!

So, I was completely amazed at what God did today and last night.

We filled bags at convoy of hope at a volunteer portion of COH called Hands of Hope. They are local people that come to COH to help do whatever needs done. Last night for our team we filled bags with a toothpaste, toothbrush, and a small bar of soap. These kids are going to be so happy when we give them their small package.

My eyes are being opened to the poverty in this world. I want to make a difference. I was called to make a difference. I am too called to be comfortable. I love you guys so much. Please know I'm praying for you. Intensely.

xoxo

Welcome Summer!!

No kidding, I was prepared to deal with heat in El Salvador and New Orleans; But, not here in SpRiNgFiElD! It is HOT, huh? Our air conditioner broke in the intern house yesterday. The inside thermometer registered 90 degrees. When I went to bed past midnight it still showed 89 degrees. We were one HOT bunch of people. I woke up several times sweating. This morning when I woke up (I slept in my underwears) my pillow was drenched in sweat. nAsTy, I know! Not only was the air conditioner broke, but the stove and the oven were also out of commission. Cooking for 18 people was NOT an easy thing and we all pitched in to help the cooks pull it off. Then this morning, one of the interns, Jill, noticed that the ceiling fan was on the Winter setting all night last night. So all that hot air just kept circulating. YUCK! Lol!

So, I didn't update yesterday and i'm sure I won't update tomorrow. We are spending a 12+ hour day at Convoy of Hope in training all day and then working with the volunteer program Hands of Hope! I am excited! It will be one day I will remember, certainly.

Today was Monday. I got up at 7:0oam and got dressed. After that I ate a pop tart. (like the play-by-play yet? lol) Then I loaded up in the van and headed to Convoy of Hope where I started the day spending a solid 30 minutes with Jesus. (it was Amazing!) Then, we began our training time. We had a great speaker for our group devotions, and after the training we ate lunch together, and trained more after. Did a lot of brainstorming ideas.

We're going to be focusing on enhancing the wholistic health of kids, youth, and adults. Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual health. Our group is mainly focusing on the Adults. I brought up teaching the local people how to plant seeds and provide healthy meals for their family themselves. I am hoping we will be able to. Of course, providing them with many seeds for gardens and whatnot.

Anyway, I have alot more to type about, but I really want my effort to be poured into my journal and I haven't written for two days. So I'm going to become much more focused on it the next few days.
Love you guys!!
xoxo

From the Intern House

Hey family! Greetings from the intern house in Springfield! Yep, I'm still here. I won't leave until July 1st for New Orleans. We are driving a 15 passenger van down there. Then we will do work until July 5th, and leave for El Salvador on July 5th! It's a 6.5 hour flight. (ooo, flying. . .)

So anyway, I wanted to give a quick update as to what we are doing. When I got here Thursday, we met everyone and ate pretty chinese food from a place in town. Apparently, Springfield Chinese is a pretty widely known thing. It's where Springfield Cashew Chicken originated. The New York Times did a whole story on Springfield Chinese not too long ago. Completely unknown to me! :) For the sake of prayer, here are the names of the interns. (Me), Erin, Stephanie, Morgan, Nici, Leah, Jill, Victoria, Kelly, and our female leader Shannon. Three guys are going named Matt (the leader), Chase, and Levi. Each intern is just simply amazing. Coming from all the way up in Northern California to the panhandle of Florida we make up a team of 13. I am in awe of the team God has put together. Our testimony night is coming up. Or should I say testimony DAY. I cannot wait for this day!

On thursday we met and greeted, on Friday it was our first 24 hours together and we spent the day at Convoy of Hope in a training time. More it was devotional and 'rules.' We also went over a few of the details of what we will be doing. We're going to 3 different villages-very cool. More to come on that later. On Saturday (yesterday), we had a training session here at the house and then we went out to lunch together to Taco Bell and then Matt gave everyone a tour of Springfield. Neat stuff-even I didn't know 1/2 of the history he gave! awesome stuff!

The plan for today is to go to James River. We are leaving in 20 minutes for the church. I'm excited to go to my church one more time before we leave. Man, I love this church so much. What amazing people!! And what a privilege to get to show the team around and 'brag' a little about what God has done in the church!

I love you all! xoxo

It is Time!

I am fixing to finalize things in my suitcase, and run a few errands and then I am headed out to take my stuff to the intern house.

This life of mine is exactly like I want. I asked the Lord to give me a life of stories. Stories that would impact others like some people's stories have changed my life and way of thinking. Listening to my lifegroup's stories about how God has moved and worked into their life. People such as Kristin Temple, @eliza143, @cstrok, @lstrok, @laramie10, Stephanie Field, Ryan and Laci Moore, all have these incredible lifechanging stories. They have impacted me greatly, and I want the adventures, and chance to allow God to use me in the ways He has used them. That is why I am going on this trip. Sometimes I need reminded of why I am going. I also have to remind myself that it was never easy for them. It wasn't a vacation, it wasn't clean sometimes, the food wasn't their favorite, but the Spirit empowered them to move and help others.

I want to Love every person I come in contact with on this trip, including my team members and leaders. I want to Live out everything I have learned at JamesRiver AG to help others to grow in the relationship with Jesus. And I want to Lead any and all to Christ. I want to be a leader on this trip. One that those can look to for support, prayer, guidance, and help.

It's 10:30 am, and I have a lot to do on this hot summer day, so I better go!

xoxo

Goodbye's...

...are always the hardest.

When I signed up to be gone for six weeks, I didn't quite envision having to tell my family goodbye. I still have several to say, and even though I will not be leaving the US until the beginning of July, it's always hard. I won't see my Daddy again after tonight until the beginning of August. I laid beside him tonight on the bed and listened as he told me how special I was to him and how I needed to be careful. He teared, as did I.

I said goodbye to my sister tonight, and her son (my nephew), Jalen. He is only 1 1/2, and doesn't quite understand. All he knows is that I'm leaving for the night. He cried, and kept clutching for me-even though he was with his momma. I'm still fighting tears right now over that! I've never left my family. I've never been farther than 130 miles away from them, and I've never been away for longer than 2 weeks. I still have to say goodbye to my Mom, which I am hoping she will get to come see me off from Springfield when I fly to New Orleans. And, I also have to say goodbye to my grandma mom and papa tom. I am so close to them. ahhh... That is so hard. It's hard every weekend, and not getting any easier.

I know I am twenty, but I am still so fresh at adulthood. I don't ever want goodbye's to become easy! When the Spirit said to 'Go!', I didn't ever consider the consequences or emotions involved. I know I will probably encounter many more emotions while gone, but for now, I am just believing that God will help control those feelings.

Pray for me, please. Because I don't like this at all!

xoxo

One Week!

I leave in 7 days from tomorrow.

My schedule for the next 7 days:

Thursday-Sunday: Church camp Babysitting

Sunday-Monday: Go home

Monday-Wednesday: Pack for 6 weeks. (Is that possible?)

Thursday: I leave!

Currently, I am listening to Stomp by Kirk Franklin. You are too, if you are reading this blog! I added a playlist! Isn't that fun? :) I love Kirk Franklin! Just a little fyi, lol! I'm sitting on this chair that I fell asleep in last night watching a movie. My roommate is exercising using a magazine article titled, "How to get Michelle Obama's arms. . ." haha! Best of luck to her! Shoutout to Kelsi C.! Ah, this is all random stuff, but it's fun to type a little freestyle. I always have something I really want to say, but at this moment I am just really enjoying peace!

I leave tomorrow for church camp (as you saw in my schedule above)! I am so grateful to the couple who has done this for me! They are paying my last money that is due to Convoy of Hope for the trip! I am so blessed!! They may not know what kind of impact they are having in the kingdom but I pray that they experience it greatly!

I heard this song over the radio a couple of days ago, and I fell in love with it. (Not Stomp) This one is by a band named Sanctus Real. I have seen them in concert several times. Never have I been just in awe of what they have produced. (Sorry Sanctus), but this song is different. It has come to my ears in a season of meaning. I'm going to post a link where you can go listen. I recommend it. Just close your eyes, and let Jesus speak to your heart.

song: Whatever You're Doing Band: Sanctus Real Album: We Need Each Other
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqp1JfEl27o

Good stuff!
Be praying for me. I know you will!
xoxo

11 days=264 hours..

It's hard to believe it's so close.

I've gone through all sorts of emotions ranging from "I don't think I can be gone that long" to "I can't wait til I leave!" When in all truth, I'll be spending approximately 11 days here in Springfield to train and connect with all those that I'll be spending 6 weeks of my summer with! It kind of makes my stomach swirl and get all blagh inside. My heart pounds a little harder, and I can feel the pulse in my forehead. I've never flown before, and I have never been out of the country. (Canada doesn't count.) After our training time, we will spend a time in New Orleans and work all July 4th and put on the biggest outreach Convoy of Hope has done in the city! Then on July 5th, we will be on our way for a several week adventure in El Salvador! Can you believe it? I cannot.

I am amazed by all of the faith that people have in me. You definitely seem to have more in me than I think I have in myself. You have been incredible. To just name a few, my parents, grandparents, and extended family, Brenda Jo and the rest of her clan, my Lifegroup, Casey, and FGBC! Big shout out to all of you and the rest of everyone else who has instilled into me a hard work ethic, and trust in the Lord!

I'm 20 years old. I'm ready to begin my life. I know I still have one year of school left, and no doubt I am living. At 21 years of age, I will be a registered Nurse. That's pretty dang cool! I will have my first degree at 21 years old! If I knew of anyone else that did something so amazing (which I know there are!), I would be in awe of their accomplishment! And, to think, I am doing that!!

I don't know what God has in store for me on this trip. I don't know who I'm going to meet, what I'm going to see, how things are going to work, or even specifically where I am going. But I do know one thing; God is sending me.

If nothing else, I have learned the sovereignty of my God through this experience thus far. I have seen Him perform a miracle in fundraising. I have felt His peace in my heart, strength for my emotions, and His hand has been placed upon my head. I have felt like His daughter. Truly, I have felt as if He is watching me as I learn to walk in this life He has given me; Just as I did when I was 9 mos. old learning to take my first steps. When I compare the two, I realize just how much of this journey with the Lord I have left! It is so uplifting, englightening, and encouraging.

Please keep up with me as I travel on this 6 week journey. Place my name on your refrigerator, and go before the Lord each day as you eat! :)

Pray for:
Protection
Health
Patience
Strength (physical and emotional)
My Family at home
New Orleans residents
El 'Salvadorians'

xoxo

Miracle

Here's the scoop my friends,

My last post was a slight update as to what this past Saturday and Sunday was going to hold for me. I asked all that read to be in fervent prayer for the weekend and I am positive that you were! My family and friends pulled out all stops and worked very hard to raise money for this Convoy of Hope internship that God called me to for this summer.

My goal for the weekend was $800. Without making this amount of money, there was no possible way I would be able to go on this mission trip to New Orleans and El Salvador. I was feeling like there would be a real possibility that I would have to prepare myself for a letdown. I was holding a carwash/bakesale on Saturday and a church dinner on Sunday. Donations only for the carwash and dinner. And, of course, we priced the bakesale items. I needed to make $400/event. Weeellll....

On Saturday, we washed like 7 cars. And although we had tons of baked goods, I really didn't think we could make 400 dollars off of it. My Mom and a good family friend, Brenda Jo, manned the bakesale with the occasional help of us carwashers. After the 5 hour day, we went home to BBQ together. I didn't know how much we had made, because they said they would tell me later. Right before dinner, they told me the total came to not 400 dollars, but a whopping $500!! I was AMAZED. I thought to myself, If I could just make 300 dollars at the church dinner, I will have the 800!!

I prayed continuously for these two events for about 2 weeks before they were to take place, and after the bake sale, I prayed even harder for the church dinner that was happening the next day. I prayed specifically this prayer over and over:
God, I have seen you do amazing things at James River. I know how You work. You perform miracles and have provided in supernatural ways. I know You can do above and beyond what I need. I ask You, Lord, to do what You can do to allow me to serve Your people on this Convoy internship. Amen

Sunday night there weren't many people at the church. I'd say top 40 or so. And 18 of them were my family. I was feeling a tad embarrassed. I mean, this service was devoted to raising money to send me to New Orleans and El Sal. But, not many people came. Again, I was limiting the Lord's capability of performing His best. I went ahead and talked just the same as if there would have been 500 people there. (With the same nervous, shaky voice.) It lasted a whole five minutes. After I talked, we started singing. Only 4 songs were sung, and then it was time for dinner. We served everyone as they sat and mingled and visited. We cooked Baked Rotini, with salad, and Texas Toast. Refreshments were served as well, being Red Diamond Sweet Tea, and Lemonade. It seemed to be a big hit. We made enough food for about 60 people. So there ended up being enough left over to donate to our church's children camp that began today.

During the time I began to eat, the church treasurer, Tony, came and dropped an envelope before me. It had my name at the address spot, and then in the bottom right corner, the amount $800.00 was written. I was speechless. Not only was it over 300 dollars, but it was the amount that was my ENTIRE goal for this weekend!! Crazy! Awesome! Incredible! MIRACULOUS!!

In addition to the other money I had been given at church that morning, and my babysitting money I had saved back, I was able to write Convoy of Hope a check for a total of $1,664.31. Above that, when I took the check to COH today, I found out that I had an additional $320 that had come in since I had last heard. Which brings the final total at Convoy of Hope to a little over $2660. With the other financial support that will be coming in, I will not only be able to reach my goal of $3,100, but also be able to have money to take with me as I go-which was a major concern for me. I really don't feel to wonderful travelling thousands of miles with no cash!

Keep praying for me and the team! Your prayers are being heard and answered.

I love you guys!!!!
PRAISE THE LORD!

Fundraising for COH update!

3 weeks from tomorrow I will be headed to Convoy of Hope located at 330 S. Patterson Springfield, MO. Seriously so close. I went out today to drop off a check for some money I have raised. Man, it's so tightly close. It makes me so nervous.

At this very moment, I'm not sure the exact amount that I have raised. It's not a whole ton, but it's getting there. Please, prayer warriors be praying! And if you don't consider yourself a prayer warrior, go to battle on behalf of all the people that can/will be blessed by servanthood during this trip! I need you!

To the point of this blog---

There is a HUGE weekend coming up for me in like 2 days. I still can't believe how much needs to be done. I was really counting on the Lord allowing us to do the bake sale up here in Springfield. So many more people up here to buy the delicious homebaked goods, but Walmart failed me. So, I'm going back home to do the bake sale at Richards Brothers. Which is totally fine! I'm absolutely cool with it. I like the people at home, and they know me well. I also have had a great manager to work with me. He even let us borrow a table last time we held the sale there! PTL. Anyway, I am doing the sale this Saturday morning at 8 am until we have sold everything. I have a LOT of people helping bake stuff! I am so very blessed!

Then, on Sunday, I have the privilege of a hometown pastor allowing me and my family to make and host dinner after Sunday evening church in another effort to raise the funds for this trip. So much work, but so worth it!! My family and friends are awesome.

Here is where I need your help. I need to raise about 800 dollars this weekend. Sounds like a LOT, huh? That's because it is a lot...to us here on earth. But to the Lord, money is nothing. Money grows on trees in Heaven. ;-) It's endless, limitless, and holds no boundaries to the Lord. I know that He can work miraculous things. I am asking for you to get on your knees with me and pray as hard and fervently as you can that I raise these funds this weekend.

I wholly believe, trust, and am leaning on Jesus to make this possible. I think I should write a book and let other people see how God is moving and has moved in my life. I can't even imagine the things that have not yet come to pass!

Pray!!

xoxo

Blessed beyond measure...

W o w.

3 simple letters sum up so very much. I'm not entirely sure what my future holds, but I know it's in God's hands. When you truly understand that, peace is surreal. My faith has been grown so much lately. It's not been an easy process, nor will it become easier, but truly trusting God has it all under control is so relieving. It gets really old when people are saying constantly, Just trust the Lord, He knows everything. Even though that is true, sometimes it's just not the most enlightening statement at the time. But now, I can actually tell myself that, and know that it is true. Not just know, but feel. Difference, there is one!

Even though there is SO much to think about and do, I really need to just slow down in mind. My body is moving quickly, and I don't think my mind is keeping up. Anyone ever feel that way? :) I smile typing that, because I know how common the feeling is. God is not one of confusion. So, I know that the straight way will eventually make itself known. I am so excited for what may be coming my way.

Continue to pray, my friends! God is not only hearing you, but He is seriously answering your prayers. Even if I can't see everything going on. The heavenly realm is holding majestic works, all just waiting to make themselves clear!

xoxo

A new song!

So, I was sitting in service tonight, and these words just came to me. No tune put to them yet, but my mind was totally geared toward the upcoming Mission Internship.

Chorus:
God, Your people are hungry
Your people, Lord, are so lonely
God, Your people are poor
Your people, Lord, are our responsibility

Verse 1:
Your favor is upon me and Your love abounds
Without Your hand, I wouldn't be here
This journey is only beginning
My training just at the start
Use me, oh Lord, to love Your people.

Verse 2:
I promise to give all that I am,
Down to the very end, only You'll remain
Bless all those I'll tell about You
Open every heart and mind
Use me, oh Lord, to love Your people

So, I'm not a songwriter, at least not anymore. But, I just feel like this could catch on in my life, and I can't wait to sit down at a guitar or piano and put it to music. I haven't written music in so long... It feels good to get a fresh touch from the Lord in this area.

Today/Tonight has been AMAZING. So may opportunities have just opened up to me, and I don't know how to really deal with them all. I want to make the best decision; the one the Lord wants me to make. I can't wait to spend intimate time with Him. Honestly, I can't wait to meet Him face to face. I can't believe the favor on my life. I just simply can't. I knew I was made for something great for the Lord. I knew I would do things for Him... things that some people just won't do, but I didn't know it was going to feel so RIGHT. All of the things that have happened are just these things that I could never have dreamed would happen to me. My biggest dreams all seem so small right now.
Do you realize what that means? I need/can dream even bigger! Those dreams may feel very small one day too! :-)

Pray for me. A lot is coming up and I have alot of decisions to make!

I love you guys so much!!!

Wait, what did you just say?

So, normally I wouldn't do this. But, for some reason, I feel the urge to write all about this. In May of 2007, I found out that my just-turned-16-year-old sister was pregnant. It wasn't quite a shock, (not meaning that badly at all), but I knew what was going on. It was quite the ordeal, but I love my nephew very much. I went through the whole, "My sister is having a baby before me," type deal. It was tough, but it was obviously not undefeatable (the feeling that is..). And obviously, the baby wasn't going anywhere. But, through it all, the family stayed alive and in one piece. And, we all love Shelby and baby Jalen very very much.

Tonight... 2 years later, I get more shocking news. I'm going to have a niece. No, Shelby isn't pregnant again, but she's getting MARRIED. The man she is getting married to has a daughter. He's a great guy. Truly is. But, I'm just dumbfounded.

And, I feel kind of selfish right now. I mean, I know that life is life, and I have to deal with whatever comes with it. And, not only deal with it, but deal with it well... My own thoughts right now are selfish. I admit it. You don't have to call me out on it, and please don't judge me or tell me how bad of a person I am for feeling this way. You'd probably feel like it too.

This is supposed to happen to me first.

I am the oldest child, grandchild, sister, and niece. Why don't I get to experience all of this first? I wanted to get married, live a little life together, have the first baby for everyone to melt over and whatnot, and then watch my sisters follow suit. I know plenty of you, (especially family), are probably furious over my feelings, but instead of bringing them up in 3 months verbally, I felt writing them would be better. And, if you don't know about the engagement, I'm not the one who told you. Clear? Good.

Letter to Self

I JUST came across perhaps one of the most greatest things I could have ever come across at this time in my life. It probably won't mean much to you, but then again, this blog is about my journey in life. And I want to do life with you. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. At my high school graduation party on 5/12/07, my precious Mom began a journal for me to write in. She was the first to write in it a one page letter just wishing me luck and sweet words. Then, the journal was passed around over the course of the party and church, and dear people wrote very encouraging words and blissful memories that I reflect upon once in a while. I myself have made a few entries, but I plan on making many more. The day's I am living in as God takes me on this crazy adventurous life of mine are one's that I always want in record. I want to never forget them.

I know myself pretty well, (obviously), and I know how easily I forget things that move my heart, and so as I was reading through all the entries, I came to the last one. I was bawling my eyes out because I just realize how much I am loved and I want to make sure my family knows that I LOVE them more than life can EVER breathe. I wish I could give them EVERYTHING. I seriously could NOT ever live without them. Well, knowing my own forgetfulness, on 4/21/08, I wrote myself a letter. I will type it the same way I wrote it and I hope you love this.

4/21/08
So, Kayla, How are you doing? I, Kayla (You), have decided to write a little recap of the things you have been through lately. Iknow ho you like to remember things, so I'm gonna try and help you out. #1, you are 3 1/2 weeks away from completing your first year in college. It has been tough, and with finals week approaching, it is only going to get togher. However, nursing school is right around the corner, and God has something fabulous in store for you! You talked to your Mom tonight and had a very pleasant conversation. You talked about the upcoming Silver Dollar City trip you and the family are taking on May 2. It's gonna be so much fun. Just remember to live lightly. You love your family. Remember and always trust them like you do love them! Because they do love you, too!
#2 For the past few weeks, God has really done anumber on you. He has convicted you of that habitual sin. (Rember which one I'm talkin' about?) You've done so good in controlling yourself and God is slowly perfecting you like He wants so desperately to do.
#3 The book "Captivating" by John + Stasi Eldredge has been helping you change your life by making you see how captivating and truly beautiful you are. God loves you and He's using many people around you to show it.
#4 John Linell at James River Assembly has helped open your eyes to how amazingly lovestruck a Pastor can be. He is anointed by God to share the gospel through teaching. "Lessons in Leadership" out of 2 Samuel has taught you many things. I.E. Ahithophel, who was on David's counsel, was the grandfather of Bathsheba. (I'm sure you haven't forgotten this, b/c it was pretty cool to learn.)
Kayla, I know how easy it is for you to become sidestruck from the truth. Your emotions run wild and at times, you understand nothing, but if you'll just pick up your Bible, God will speak to you. Don't ever give up on Him. After all, He's never given up on you. He has an incredible future for you and all you have to do is follow Him.
Be good Kayla,
Yourself
P.S. pick up the phone, call your family and tell them you love them. We don't know what the future holds. :)

The above is word for word, dot for dot and smiley face for smiley face what my journal says. Never did I know how true this letter would turn out.

Now I am 2 days from putting the finalizing touches on my 1st whole year of Nursing School. And God.... man, has He MOVED in my soul, heart, and body. I encourage you to sit and write a letter to yourself. More than likely, if you don't do this often, you will forget about it, and in a few years stumble across it and if you haven't changed, you know there are problems. :) No stagnant stinky water right here.

I love you guys. More to come tomorrow. Long post, I know!

Goodnight!